Chapter 1 Where Did It Go Wrong?  

“I have never been able to track down the source of my strange and errant ways, but I am pretty sure that I can blame a small part of it on alcohol.”


Chapter 2 The Nickname

“I was at a crossroads in my life, flush the toilet and bang this chick, or make a memory that would last forever!”


Chapter 3 The Best Friend

“It was a classic swim of shame; I couldn’t help but laugh at this dumb bitch!”


  • Section 1 Morning Wood
  • Section 2 Carpet Munching
  • Section 3 One Clean Swipe
  • Section 4 Bodily Fluids
  • Section 5 Gazelle
  • Section 6 Margaritas
  • Section 7 Russian Mail Order Bride


  • Section 8 Spring Breakers

Chapter 4 The Car

“I had just acquired a college wardrobe, college music, college cologne, a new 300 ZX, and an artificially receded hairline!”


Chapter 5 The Runs

“The second issue I had was the fact that Underdawg was screaming like a little bitch, in my ear, about the cock and balls I had resting on his bare leg!”

  • Section 1 Balloons
  • Section 2 Rebecca Romijn
  • Section 3 Water Hose Bandit

Chapter 6 The College Years

“Yeah, that’s right, I flatlined the shit out of that semester; a perfect 0.0 GPA!”


Chapter 7 The Dancers

“When your pants get fucked all the way down to your ankles, at some point you have to stand up to put them back on; regardless of who is in the club!”


  • Section 1 Face of an Angel
  • Section 2 Table Spunk


  • Section 3 Sticky Fingers
  • Section 4 Chinese Anatomy
  • Section 5 Cricket
  • Section 6 Stage-5 Clinger

Chapter 8 The Psycho

“She was a recovering alcoholic, and I had just knocked her ass off the wagon!”

Chapter 9 The Skidmarks

“Seriously, this dude’s pair of underwear looked like you wrapped them around a Hershey’s Kiss and tossed them in a microwave; on the popcorn setting!”


Chapter 10 The Potato Man

“When I say that shit went everywhere, I mean shit went everywhere!”

Chapter 11 The Tequila Dick

“He squinted and was peering over the crowd, with his hand on his forehead; he sees our group and starts waving at us like a more retarded version of Forrest Gump!”

Chapter 12 The Birthday Party

“Now, I don’t remember what happened next, but when I woke up, I was in bed naked with this dude’s wife and I had a wet washcloth over my forehead!”

Chapter 13 The Hippie Hollow

“I should have known this was going to be a bad idea when we pulled into the parking lot and there was a tranny, wearing a two-piece bikini, riding a three-wheeled bicycle around the parking lot!”

Chapter 14 The Fists

“The only problem was that I didn’t just turn my head when I spoke to him, I turned my whole body, thus pissing all over this guy before he went back on stage!”

  • Section 1 Lazers
  • Section 2 Continental Club
  • Section 3 Fat Man


  • Section 4 Dirty Thirty
  • Section 5 Shit Bag

Chapter 15 The Rock

“I wouldn’t have considered this girl’s car totaled; I mean it was underwater, missing several wheels, and the passenger side was destroyed, but it seemed salvageable at the time!”

Chapter 16 The Waves

“Shut up you hermaphrodite, or I am going to kick you in your things!”

Chapter 17 The Fog of New Years

“It felt like I had done a naked power slide on AstroTurf!”

Chapter 18 The Bid Day

“OH FUCK, typically we couldn’t have made the front page of the school newspaper if we tried, but here we all were in our rush t-shirts pulling duct tape off of a guy and crushing beer cans!”


Chapter 19 The Boat Prop

“So we are cruising along, slightly less than the speed of sound, and I turned that bottle of Wild Turkey upside down!”

Chapter 20 The Puking Days

“I was about to fuck this chick, but a drawer full of puke would have been disastrous for my cause!”

  • Section 1 Formal


  • Section 2 Beef Stew
  • Section 3 Check Please!

Chapter 21 The BBQ Fork

“I immediately hung up on him; WTF, did he think this had just happened at a Hobby Lobby?”

Chapter 22 The Thomas Crown Affair

“I prominently displayed this priceless piece of art over my fireplace for several years, it was majestic!”

Chapter 23 The Playmaker

“I had just scattered his pussy everywhere; these girls took off like a covey of quail!”


Chapter 24 The Stews

“We saw three girls walking out of the bar and I knew, at that very moment, that we had struck gold!”

Chapter 25 The Gift

“Fuck, I could only assume that it was perishable; even when I really graduated, they never gave me my gift back!”

Chapter 26 The Theater

“It was very hard to walk when my legs were woven like a French braid, I was on the verge of spewing liquefied shit everywhere!”

Chapter 27 The Tennis Coach

“I had just walked into some perverted fucking mess; I was in a real gay pickle, and I could only assume that they were going to try and shove a tennis racket up my virgin crap cavern!”

Chapter 28 The Formal

“I am going to go off on a weird tangent about this very couch, because I defiled it a few years later; I took a shit in a Pizza Hut personal pan pizza box and strategically placed it under a couch cushion for all to enjoy!”


Chapter 29 The Gift of the Vagi

“As I was sitting there, scratching my genitalia with a Sam’s Wholesale ID card, I look over and this chick was holding a cup of purple piss; so help me God, it was purple!”


Chapter 30 The Killer Dave

“So I stuffed these Jell-O soaked panties in my mouth and I was fighting off a midget with one hand and a stripper with the other!”

Chapter 31 The Gary Coleman

“Not that a midget in a bathrobe scared me; I love midgets, I would love to own two or three!”


Chapter 32 The Pickard Hall

“His head did an 180-degree twist,  followed by the rest of his body; just like that chick on the Exorcist!”

  • Section 1 Whiplash Smile
  • Section 2 Vietnamese Cleaning Lady
  • Section 3 Paper Weight

Chapter 33 The Drink it Up

“I had never seen beer coming out of every orifice of the human body before; it was quite an amazing spectacle!”


Chapter 34 The Bunny

“I was a good chicken bunny apprentice for years, and then I finally mastered it.”


Chapter 35 The Defiled Pool

“I only needed about 3 minutes of bullshit to prime this woman; under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t have paid this lady five dollars to dance naked for me!”

  • Section 1 Burglars
  • Section 2 Dirty Diana
  • Section 3 Everybody Out of the Pool!

Chapter 36 The Kingfish

“This guy was so cross-eyed, I didn’t think he was ever going to finish making my hot dog; he couldn’t get the wiener in the bun!”


Chapter 37 The Lumber

“To cheer him up, I grabbed a bottle of ketchup out of this dude’s refrigerator, tossed it over the fence, and busted out the neighbor’s window!”

  • Section 1 Birthdays
  • Section 2 Big Brother Night
  • Section 3 Call Outs

Chapter 38 The Bobby V’s

“I looked over my shoulder and there was a newspaper machine in the back of my truck and I had no clue where it came from!”

Chapter 39 The Roadside Park

“I wasn’t sure of her views on abortion, but I couldn’t see spending the rest of my life co-parenting a child with this fucking nutcase!”

Chapter 40 The Fund Raisers

“Free beer and pizza, only a bunch of Sigma Chis could fuck this up!”


  • Section 1 Trader’s Village Part-1
  • Section 2 Trader’s Village Part-2
  • Section 3 Air it Out

Chapter 41 The Styrofoam

“I accidentally shit in his kiddie pool at the fraternity house one day; I was confused!”

Chapter 42 The Muffins

“I tried to get this kid laid through all the normal channels, but nothing was  panning out; I had to use the nuclear option!”

Chapter 43 The DNA

“I hadn’t seen DNA get this fucked up since OJ Simpson’s trial, Johnny Law was trying to jam us the fuck up!”


Chapter 44 The Vegas Cockblocks

“I am pretty sure that this old Asian bag hadn’t been that moist since Emperor Hirohito ordered the strike on Pearl Harbor!”


  • Section 1 Merlin
  • Section 2 Rich 80-Year-Old Japanese Basketball Player
  • Section 3 Bored Flight Attendants

Chapter 45 The C-130

“I never knew if she was left handed, or just that damn good with it; she gave a fantastic handjob, though!”


Chapter 46 The Cruise

“Beer and bare breasts, I knew it was only a matter of time before this scenario went awry; I was destined to fuck it up!”


Chapter 47 The Number One

“I was a ticking time bomb, and I didn’t want her anywhere near me when I went off!”


Chapter 48 The Shoes

“To be perfectly honest, I wanted to step in dog shit, in my socks, and track it all over their new place!”

Chapter 49 The Nudist Camp

“The guy handed me his business card, monkey business was more like it; he and his wife were naked on the fucking card!”


Chapter 50 The Crackhouse

“About 5:00 am that morning, she informed me that her husband, who was also a Fort Worth cop, would be home soon from the night shift; there would have been way too many firearms in that equation, I had to bounce the fuck out of that house!”

  • Section 1 Fire in the Hole
  • Section 2 Unwanted Assistant
  • Section 3 Off the Rails

Chapter 51 The Dually

“Between all of us drunken buffoons, no one noticed that there was a piece of shit Cutlass Supreme parked behind us!”

Chapter 52 The Kitty Cat

“I loved this park and didn’t want it to get shut down because some toddler in a stroller got mauled by a fucking mountain lion.”

Chapter 53 The Shower

“I thought half of the room was going to kill me; turns out she was the mother of the bride, but I still think she looked just like Janet Reno.”

Chapter 54 The Facebook Chronicles

Chapter 55 The Professionals

“If you have never been in a shower, arguing with a hooker about the temperature of the water, while trying your hardest not to piss on her; you really haven’t lived!”


  • Section 1 Asparagus


  • Section 2 Bait and Switch
  • Section 3 Big Easy
  • Section 4 Bucket List
  • Section 5 4-Way

Chapter 56 The Timmy

“I had consumed many cocktails that night, and was just aimlessly wandering down the streets of Austin!”


Chapter 57 The Viagra

“It was like shooting pool with shoe laces from an old pair of Nike high-tops!”

Chapter 58 The Habeas Corpus

“I kept on my daily routine to be prepared; Law & Order re-runs and day drinking!”

Chapter 59 The Bachelor Party

“Mexican citizens are generally like patriotic Americans; they are not big fans of their flag being desecrated!”



Chapter 60 The CU Next Tuesday

“I knew when we got married that it would be the dumbest thing I had ever done in my life; I still kick myself every day for marrying that miserable skank!”


Chapter 61 The Chinaman

“This asshole wouldn’t shake my hand, so I did the next thing that felt natural; I bowed to him!”

Chapter 62 The Benders

“We could have stopped at a million fucking trashcans to throw these empty bottles away, but he throws them onto a Border Patrol Agent, who was laying prone beside the truck in some bushes; we never saw him!”

  • Section 1 South Padre Island
  • Section 2 Crude Fest
  • Section 3 Sin City

Chapter 63 The Palin Date

“Not many people can say that they have finger banged a female vice presidential candidate; I mean, who in the fuck would touch Geraldine Ferraro?”


Chapter 64 The Hats

“Five hundred bucks later, I had one box of condoms; I had to use them sparingly, I was never going through that ordeal again!”

Chapter 65 The Meetups

“I thought that the single parents group would be a perfect match for me, but when it was brought to their attention that not only did I have no children, but I was only there to troll for single moms; they banned me!”


Chapter 66 The A1A

“I thought to myself, smooth move Ex-Lax, yeah I just fucked this one up real nice.”


Chapter 67 The Asian Masseuse

“She had my ass oiled up so much, it was like the Valdez Tanker just crashed into it!”

Chapter 68 The Deathbed Confession

“Faking it, in the middle of getting a blowjob, gets a little tricky; you only have once chance to pull it off!”


Chapter 69 The 43

“I have been flipped off by numerous people in my life, but never by a two-term former president!”


Chapter 70 The Breakfast at Tiffanys

“I heard someone yell my name; usually, if I hear a female voice yelling my name in public, I tend to haul some ass! It saves me from the inevitable embarrassment of another pissed off female!”

Chapter 71 The Tinder Box

“Normally, I would have pissed in the parking lot, but there were too many surveillance cameras; thanks to all the homeless bums that camp out on the beach.”

Chapter 72 The Relaxing Weekend

“I began to have an idea that this chick was crazier than a shithouse rat; a real fucking nutcase!”


Chapter 73 The Group Thing

“When I got up there, I had to take a radical shit; the type of shit that is like you have a charcoal briquette stashed up there and you want to stick a wire coat hanger up your ass and perform some sort of bowel abortion!”

Chapter 74 The Conclusion

“I am going to ride this train until the fucking wheels come off!”




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