Episode 204

The El Dookie Show 6/9/2017

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Transcript:

Introduction

Hey, welcome to The El Dookie Show—Episode 204!  It’s Friday June 9th. Guess what, It’s time for me to say what everybody is thinking!  Well, not everybody, just the cool people.  Man, there are so many idiots out there to make fun of and so little time.  I pull these morons straight straight from the headlines.  And there is never a shortage of material either,  these idiots are everywhere!

Anyway, as usual, The El Dookie Show is late again, by late I mean by like several months this time.  Hey, I have a procrastination problem!  That and a pesky career I can’t seem to shake.  I swear to me this work stuff interferes with my goofing off and day-drinking.

What a world we live in today.  We got grown men going into convenience stores to buy fidget spinners.  What happened to beer and cigarettes?  I actually saw a guy the other day buy a fidget spinner and a box of condoms.  He had no intention of penetrating a woman, he just wanted to use the lube off of them to grease his fidget spinner bearings.  The only use I would have for a fidget spinner is throwing it at some dude with a man bun, you know, like a ninja star.  But we will get into the evolution of men later.

As always you can follow all my normal, everyday shenanigans on twitter, instagram, facebook, youtube, Gab; all that stuff. Just search for El DookieI am the only real one out there!  There’s tons of imposters, but nobody else swings their thing like me!

If you haven’t bought your copy of Crimes Against Humanity: Memoirs of El Dookie, what are you waiting on?  For the price of a bootleg fidget spinner, you can read about the sickest, most perverse actions ever taken on the human race.  And I did it all!  Booze, sex, bodily functions, the destruction of random property; why wouldn’t you buy it?   If it’s not your thing, buy it anyway.  Go live your life vicariously through someone as cool as me!  It’s on iTunes, Amazon, Barnes and Noble; all that stuff!  It even has pictures of me doing some of this shit!

As soon as I figure out what the hell a covfefe is, I’m going to finish up the paperback version.  I am going to give a copy to Shepard Smith, he will flip and go straight, I guarantee it!

In other creative works of El Dookie genius, I am still working on Stabbin Cabin where I transform the worlds shittiest camper into the ultimate bachelor getaway.  And I’m also thinking about turning The El Dookie Show into video, but I haven’t found the right set to shoot it in yet.  Or the right midget to co-host with me.  I have to have a co-host!  You know, to take some of the pressure off!  And to fix me drinks during the show, ok, that’s the real reason.


Commentary

This Bruce Jenner asswipe jacked up the human race.  Seriously, he has us in some gender confused cluster fuck.  We’re in a real tranny pickle here!  It’s like having a 3rd. gender out there and the other 2 originals are subordinate!

I blame the gays for this.  Nobody cared about what they did in the bedroom.  Yeah, I’m sure some nutty fuck tv evangelists complained, but who really cared?  But then they had to start this whole gay marriage business.  Haha, they didn’t know how good they had it!   Sex without marriage!   What 40-something heterosexual doesn’t aspire to that!

So they start this gay marriage business, that opened the door for everything!  A man and a woman that want to get married, nobody gives a shit about them anymore!  And I still haven’t heard what their plan is for a gay divorce?  It’s inevitable!

Pretty soon, some old lady will be able to marry her cat!  And there will be some private bathroom in a California Target for them to change outfits in!

So how in the Hell do we have tranny boys running track against high school girls?  When does some asshole with a dirty sanchez mustache get to swap genders so he can win?  I’ll tell, now, in 2017!

Andraya_Yearwood_c0-0-598-349_s885x516Enter Andraya Yearwood!   This jackoff looks like some blue-collar Milli Vanilli knockoff!  Apparently, Cromwell High School in Connecticut let him bend his gender enough so he could win the girls state title.  I say let him do it again, sans dick, this time!  I say let some guy throw a discus at his junk and then make him run again!

Where are the feminists in this conversation!  Their whole plight has been a sham or they would be going bat-shit crazy right now!  Seriously, they are going to let some fucktard in WalMart panties sweep in there and steal their show?  They can’t burn bras anymore because some dude’s chest hair may catch on fire!

I’m going to stuff a tampons in my ears so I don’t have to listen to this shit anymore!


Peyton Manning

Well, Peyton Manning played golf with Donald Trump the other day, like that’s real news!  Who gives a shit?  Peyton’s nose looks like Trump teed up a Titleist on it and sliced it with a 9-iron.  But I digress.

The real story here is the fact that Peyton may run for Senate in Lamar Alexander’s seat in 2020 in the great State of Tennessee.  Well that’s fantastic news.  Besides listening to his nasally voice on Papa Johns and Nationwide commercials now we will have to listen to him in a Senate Subcommittee.

I’m already sick of him!


Colin Kaepernick

Nothing drove me away from football like Colin Kaepernick taking a knee, but now I’m ready to get right back in it because I want to to see if anybody will hire this asshole.  I love it!   This guy has so much knee time he should go find work in a gloryhole at some truckstop.  I take that back, not with his nose, it would never work.  Unless there were two holes.  This dude would woodpecker the Hell out of a bathroom stall!

Anyway, If Colin Kaepernick in the unemployment line doesn’t get you all giggly inside, this will:  Shawn King is boycotting the NFL because they are bigots.

rotandliar_thumbWho is Shawn King you may be asking.  Ehh, just some asshole former spokesman for Black Lives Matter that lied about being black.  He had me fooled!  He even has some shitty pencil-thin mustache.  I guess somebody saw him peeing in a urinal and his cover was blown.

So here’s the situation, you got a white guy that claimed to be black that is boycotting a bigoted sports league that 70% of the players are black. I say fire a bunch of black players.  Spread it out among the other races.  Isn’t that what affirmative action was suppose to do?

Think about it, how many Middle Easterners are there that play pro football?  The coach could duct tape an alarm clock to a football and then run his ass up the middle.  Nobody would come close to him.  TOUCHDOWN!


Kathy Griffin

BarronsRevengememeWhat is there to say about Kathy Griffin?  Nothing that hasn’t already been said or memed.  I will say this though, I actually found Trump’s bloody noggin more physically attractive than Kathy Griffin’s face!  I mean seriously, some horny serial killer on death row wouldn’t touch her ass!

And then this whole apology thing?  I wouldn’t pay her and her attorney 5 dollars to dance nekkid for me during a Metallica song!

I do love justice though, and she is getting a dose of it.  Everybody hates her guts and all of her shows got canceled!  Her career is over!  She couldn’t make it in an amateur college comedy troupe right now!  She doubled down on a guy that doubles downs for a living.  What idiot thought she could come out ahead on that one?

And what are her credentials in comedy anyway.  17 seconds in Pulp Fiction?  The 2 episode of Seinfeld she ruined with her annoying laugh?

This cunt is finished!


Chrissy Teigen

Chrissy Teigen, for someone that is sick as she is and wants Donald Trump to pay her medical bills, she seem to be pretty healthy to me.  Have you seen her in those Vita Coco commercials?  That coconut fell right out of the tree and she dodged it with no problem!

And then there are all these Smirnoff vodka commercials.  I don’t see her jaw hurting in these.  I mean her jaw hurt so bad she wanted Donald Trump to pick up her medial tab.  Why the Hell does her jaw hurt anyway?  Look at John Legend, this guy looks like he is hung like a squirrel.  She didn’t get lockjaw from going down on this asshole.

I’m going to send this bitch a bill to get the pain out of my ass when I see her on TV.  Seriously, I was watching a Law & Order marathon the other day, her commercial came on and I threw my back out getting out of my chair to go fix another drink!


Greg Gianforte

What’s funnier than a journalist getting body slammed by a congressman?  I’ll tell you, the congressman apologizing for it and paying $50,000 to some journalism slush fund.  Take a listen to Greg Gianforte:

Ok, so he apologized to the reporter, I wouldn’t have, but that’s just me.  But this payoff so this guy wouldn’t sue him?   Disgusting!  He should have taken it to court.  It’s one slimeball’s word against another.  He had a 50/50 chance!

The most troubling issue I find with this whole scenario is him apologizing to Fox News.  Hell, Alicia Acuna should have jumped in and they should have tag teamed this guy.  You know, find a metal folding chair or a trash can lid and beat the shit out of him with it!

And this Ben Jacobs guy, what a pansy!  This guy hadn’t even hit the ground yet an he was already tweeting that: Greg Gianforte just body slammed him and broke his glasses!

Who in the hell tweets that they got their ass kicked?  It’s pitiful. He should have tweeted that he was kicking Gianforte’s ass and 6 of his staffers until a swat team broke it up with mustard gas!

This dude had the perfect opportunity to report fake news and he blew it!


James Comey

2017-06-09_16-09-00Like everybody else, I waited all week for Comey to testify.  That was a total waste of my life I will never get back!

I wanted some dirty gossip!  Like what else those salacious files said.  We already know that they said that some Russian hooker peed on Trump.  If I had to guess, I would say that Trump is a major germophobe, so I don’t see that happening.  If Trump was into tinkle what difference would it make anyway?  I suppose that if a transsexual pooped on Hillary in a San Francisco Holiday Inn Express, that would be considered mainstream!

I’m so sick of this Russian crap!  Seriously, what is worse, some email from John Podesta that says Hillary smells like boiled cabbage and farts or some file saying you got a golden shower from a hooker.  Trump got fucked on this deal!  He should be the one complaining!  The FBI should be going after whoever leaked that nonsense.

Anyway, maybe we will have some closure to this by the end of his second term.


Peter Popoff

Ok, here is this episode’s annoying commercial.  Peter Popoff, haha, you got to see this guy!  He looks like the typical TV evangelist from the 80’s.  He looks like Wayne Newton had an illegitimate kid with Tammy Faye Baker.  Take a listen:

Miracle spring water!  Man, that’s just what I need!  This guy is fleecing these people.  I am going to order some just to see the set of instructions that come with it.  What the hell do you do with it, drink it, splash it in you face, cook with it?

I am going to send in a video testimonial to this asshat and tell him that I put it in my radiator and my car went 400 miles on empty!

I poured it down my bathroom sink and it unclogged that drain that I stopped up last time I manscaped.

I filled up a super soaker and shot Rachel Maddow and her penis disappeared.  The possibilities are endless!


Men?

I don’t know if you have noticed but we have a problem with men in this world.  It’s hard to even call them that anymore!  This whole man-bun thing kicked off a decline in testosterone.  Then vaping came along!  Could you see James Bond at a casino table, vaping and drinking a gluten free martini garnished with a non-GMO organic olive?   Pathetic!

lacey-shorts-webSo now we have lacy panties for him and male rompers.  Yeah, try wearing lacy panties with slim fit Wranglers!  You would have to get a proctologist to dig them out of your ass!5b7e3af6cf2fddf066d355c599a9d65b_original

So where did it all go wrong?  I thought Tinder would turn it all around, you know, lots of sex between a man and a woman, but I think it got worse!  Chatting online took the cocksmanship out of it.

I blame colleges for this, specifically fraternities.  It’s turned into a breeding ground for asexual pussies!  You mention the word hazing and everybody stares at you like you have a dick coming out of your forehead.  They don’t even have pledgeship anymore, they do it all online.  Well that doesn’t work for me!  It’s too hard to bust someone’s ass with a virtual paddle!  Where are all these guys during ANTIFA rallies?  When I was in college, it would have been a meelee!  Not anymore, they can’t stop fidget spinning long enough to go beat the shit out of somebody!

The military hasn’t helped much either.  The greatest generation that conquered the world is almost expired.  Now soldiers spend more time in classrooms learning about providing safe spaces for trannies in combat instead of how to kill people.  Nothing scares the shit out of the enemy like having Ru Paul out there with a rifle.

So that brings us back to the modern man: Some dude wearing a male romper over his lacy panties.  He has a manbun, he has a butt plug with a fidget spinner for the handle shoved up his ass and he is sitting in a cloud of fruity flavored vapor.19059247_10155374081131779_4154395284232816067_n

That’s good news for the rest of us that still have a sack of nuts!


Nothing Burger

What is more disgusting than the term Nothing Burger?  It may be the stupidest term I have ever heard in my life.  It’s obscured the English language more than Ebonics!  I use to watch Shepard Smith, you know, just to make fun of him, until he used the term nothing burger.  I haven’t watched him since.  And then that Chris Styrewalt used it like 6 times on one show and I quit watching the whole station.  What producer told Augustus Galoop that it was ok to say that?  And they wonder why their network sucks!

lizwheelerThere is really nothing else to watch.  CNN is out of the question.  I can’t watch MSNBC, because that cross-dresser in the women’s clothes may pop on the screen; what’s his name, Rachel Maddow?  OANN seems like a logical choice except for that Liz Wheeler chick.  WTF is up with her hair man, the 80’s don’t even want that shit back!

So that leaves me hitting refresh on my browser all day for news.


Vagina Beer

7gWhat do you get when you combine two of men’s favorite vices?  Not vagina beer, that’s for sure!  Those two can’t be comingled in the same concoction!  Well apparently some numbnut at The Order of Yoni Brewing company thought that it would be a good idea to bottle 12 ounces of potential yeast infection in a 4% alcohol by volume.  Haha, beer gets skanky on its own, it doesn’t need any outside help!  Hell, I’m going to bottle my epididymitis into a Zinfandel!

Anyway, so the first batch of this crap is being bottled after the lactic acid bacteria of model, Alexandra Brendlova.  These people have an IndieGogo page set up, trying to raise €10,000. If you donate, you’ll get a voucher for 60 bottles of beer produced on your girlfriend’s vaginal bacteria.

I say, for 10,000 you go buy a truckload of Keystone Light and a weekend at a Motel 6 and do your own thing!


Convenience Store Workers

You know what I am getting sick of, it’s all these morons working at convenience stores.

Seriously, the once simple convenience store transaction has gotten too complicated.  First, they ask you if it’s credit or debit.  Then they have some sour look on their face while they are waiting for you to press credit on the screen.  I already told them it was credit once!  Why the Hell do we need some two-part authorization here?  We are not launching a nuclear weapon here it’s for the purchase of a cup of coffee and some Sweet Tarts!  Don’t even get me going on the chip or swipe thing either!

Buying tobacco in a convenience store has to be the biggest clown show in all of retail sales.  You tell them something simple like: “1 can of Skoal Original.”   They immediately go for the exact opposite of what you told them.  “Umm sorry, that’s Copenhagen Long Cut.”

Then you start trying to guide them to it, another complete waste of time.  “Hey, it’s on the top row all the way to the left.”  It’s like trying to tell some random girl where to scratch your back, they never get it right the first time.

9 times out of 10 they shoot anywhere from the middle to the bottom row.  Once you finally get on the correct row now you really confuse them, “All the way to the left!”  It never fails, they start moving their hand to the right.  At this point, I could be a dick and say something like “No, your other right!”  But I go for a more subtle approach: “I said left, not stage left, what are you some out of work actor?”

Anyway, after that whole ordeal is over with, they bring it back to the counter, thinking they are the intelligent one in this whole scenario: “Umm, this is Fine Cut.”

Haha, “No shit Sherlock, it’s also says original, see it printed on the label right there: O-Rig-in-al” It’s the same size as the surgeon general’s warning for God’s sakes!

Now, just to really fuck with them and show them who’s the smartest, you stick out some cash and wait for them to ask if it’s credit or debit.  Then you get into a stare down with them.  When enough people behind you in line start giggling, that’s when you tell them it’s cash!  El Dookie for the win!


Conclusion

Well folks, it looks like my bottle of Crown Royal is half empty so we gotta be at the end of the show.

I urge all of you to go out and make bad decisions this weekend.  The sort of deviant acts that you can write about in you memoir, some day.  Go do stuff that would make the devil blush!  The nastier the better!

Go murder a hipster with a fidget spinner, go body slam a news reporter, go bottle up some bodily fluids and peddle it as as an 80-proof liquor.  Do whatever floats your boat!

As always you can find links, pictures, and videos from today’s stories on eldookie.com, as well as a bunch of other time wasters.

Until next time, I am El Dookie and this is The El Dookie Show!


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