Episode 203

The El Dookie Show 3/7/2017

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Transcript:

Introduction

Hey, welcome to The El Dookie Show—Episode 203!  It’s Tuesday,  March 7th.  It’s time for me to say what all of you are thinking!  There are so many idiots out there to make fun of and so little time.  I pull these dipshits straight straight from the headlines.  There is never a shortage of material.  These idiots are everywhere!

Anyway, as usual, The El Dookie Show is late again.  Hey, I have a procrastination problem!  That and the fact that I have been on call as a Lamaze coach for a giraffe named April for the last few weeks.  That has taken up a lot of my time!  Haha,  what a scam this thing is!  And where is the male giraffe in this equation.  He must have hit it and quit it.

I’m not so sure that this thing even pregnant?  Somebody needs to induce labor so we can get this thing over with.  And then I want April to go on Maury Povich so we can find out who the dad is!

As always you can follow all my normal, everyday shenanigans on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, Gab; all that stuff. Just search for El Dookie.  I am the only real one out there!  There’s tons of imposters, but nobody else swings their thing like me!

If you haven’t bought your copy of Crimes Against Humanity: Memoirs of El Dookie, what are you waiting on?

For a fraction of the cost of an electronic cock ring, you can read about the sickest, most perverse actions ever taken on the human race.  And I did them all!  Booze, sex, bodily functions, the destruction of random property; why wouldn’t you buy it!   If it’s not your thing, buy it anyway.  Go live your life vicariously through someone that gives zero fucks!  Its on iTunes, Amazon, Barnes and Noble; all that stuff!  It even has pictures of me doing some of this shit!

As soon as April the giraffe has her baby, I’m going to get started on that paperback version. I am going to give a copy to every child that visits the zoo.

I am also excited to announce my latest video project: Stabbin Cabin.  It is going to be a YouTube series where I transform a camper into the ultimate bachelor getaway.  Just think home improvement but without those gay ass Property Brothers.  There will be no wondering of which contractor Christina El Moussa is banging, just funny shenanigans from someone that knows what they are doing.  Well not really, I know nothing about campers.  Anyway, I just started filming and I promise it won’t disappoint!!


Commentary

Wow, what a couple of weeks it has been.  All of this winning.  Trump was right, we are going to get sick of it.  Some celebrities have already gotten sick of it; Rosie O’Donnell caught gonorrhea in her blowhole.  Lena Dunham’ strap-on has erectile dysfunction.  Keith Olbermann got a yeast infection in his mouth.  Magic Johnson still has AIDS.  Ashley Judd had to see a doctor about her stinky pussy hat!  Haha, he never said it was going to be this good.

But it is a great time to be alive!  Scientists have found a new solar system: Trappist-1.  All these liberals want to take over one country, Hell, they can have an entire planet.  It’s only 40 light years away.  Hey, It’s doable!  Leonardo DiCaprio’s eyebrow artist made the trip in 5 parsecs, just in time for the Oscars.

Can you think of a better time to be a terrorist.  Not on the battlefield of course, but in a civilized country.  Some asshat that use to be in Gitmo got out and sued the British government for a million pounds.  Haha, I would have given him about 2 pounds of a bacon enema.


Vince YoungTrump coined one of the catchiest phrases of all time: ’Make America Great Again.’  Now everybody is stealing his move.  Everybody has a make something great again something or the other.

Enter Vince Young, ‘Make Vince Great Again’.  Haha, was he ever that great, you know besides that Rose Bowl appearance eleven years ago?

Well he is staging a comeback at the vine ripened age of 33.  He is trying to get on in the Canadian Football League.  And he is trying to trademark ‘Make Vince Great Again.’  Like he has the cash laying around to hire a patent attorney for this.  Maybe he tried Legal Zoom!  That guy on the commercials does wonders for football has beens!  Anyway, I have a slogan for him:  ’Make Vince Young Again’!  You gotta see this guy!  He looks like a fat elderly Damon Wayans!  His 40-yard dash includes him getting up off the couch!

Hey, everybody loves a good comeback story, but when you trademark a phrase like this, your setting yourself up for failure.  People like me will have a hayday with this.

If he really wants to make a statement, he should go work at his steakhouse in Austin.  How about my new line: ‘Make my Steak Great Again’


Tranny Wrestler

51542685When it comes to the transgendered, I refuse to say he, she, his or hers.  I mean seriously, they are missing the required genitals to complete the identity!  Do I care if I offend someone?  Umm, NO!  And I am not at a point in my life where I am ready to learn a bunch of new pronouns.

Anyway, so this human that was born a female but wants to be a male but is wrestling other high school females.  Ok, that was a mouthful, let me start over.  So Mack Beggs is a tranny high school student wrestler.  The State of Texas says it has to compete with the gender on it’s birth certificate.  So it’s wrestling girls!  I actually hope the State changes the law.  I would love to see some dude suplex the shit out of this thing.  Then, I want to see a kick to the nuts!  Oh wait, it has no nuts!  Ok, I will settle for an ovary punch?  All that aside, this human is so ugly, I don’t think either gender wants it1

I am so sick of this transgendered bullshit!  Who cares??  It’s a fraction of a percent of the population, yet everybody else has to cater to this handful of mammals!

I guess there is one good thing that came out of this, at least it uses the correct locker room!


Tim Tebow

tebow-640x480Ok, I normally don’t make fun of Tim Tebow on here because I like the guy.  As far as role models go, can it get any better than him?  Well, actually you want your role model to be successful in what they do, but that’s a different story.

Anyway, he is trying though!  He’s hitting homeruns like crazy these days.  By homeruns I mean baseballs, not with the ladies.  As far as the ladies go, he isn’t even stepping up to the plate.

Anyway, in an interview with People Magazine the other day he said that he “wants to adopt so badly.”  He also said that he wants to adopt a child from every continent.  Haha, now there’s an idea!  Someone needs to step up and take care of those millions of starving kids from Antarctica.  They can’t catch a break down there.  In the ‘80s it was all about Ethiopians, then Haiti babies was the thing, then Modern Family brought adopting Orientals back center stage.  But Antarctic babies, NOTHING!  For less than the price of a cup of coffee, nobody wants these kids!  Anyway, I digress.

Does this guy ever plan on getting laid?  I know why he wants to stay a virgin until he gets married, but now he is talking about adopting kids?  I think he has given up already!  Here is my issue with this; Let’s say that Tim adopts kids from the six continents that are actually inhabitable, this doesn’t help his game!  Seriously, he is a struggling athlete with a vagina phobia and he’s got a hodge podge house full of kids.  That doesn’t exactly make him marketable with the ladies.  Think about it, why do you think grocery stores give away free samples on Saturdays?  So the customer can try before they buy!  No female is going to enter this arrangement and absorb a bunch of kids on the assumption that he may or may not be able to get it on!  For all we know he in penisless.  Anyway, their family portrait is going to look like an ad for the United Colors of Benetton!

Anyway, I wish him luck in his snatchless endeavors.  Maybe someday he will knock one out of the park!


Mama June

mama-juneOk there is a new reality TV show out there!  I wouldn’t exactly call it must see TV, but I might take peek.  It’s like an itch I got to scratch!  Mama June: From Not to Hot.  Haha, the only thing that I associate with Mama June and hot is a roast beef and mash potatooes TV dinner from a microwave.  Not to Hot???  Seriously, how could her looks improve?  I wouldn’t fuck her with a gun to my head if she lost 500 pounds and wore a Kimberly Guilfoyle rubber mask.

Why do people care about this fat bag of donuts anyway.  And who wants to look at that hillbilly Honey Boo Boo?  She is eleven now, by my calculations she should be pregnant from some relative at this point.  She should be carrying around Cletus the Fetus.


Kim Kardashian

Kim-Kardashian-sex-tape-1Well, Kim Kardashian may have another sex tape out there.  With millions of hours of porn on the internet, who wants to look at another thug rapper going down on her while he’s chewing gum?  Haha, I still can’t get that vision of Ray-J out of my head.  I tried to CTRL-ALT-DEL it out of my brain, but it’s still there.  Maybe I will try that bleach bit thing Hillary used on her server.  Maybe that will work!

This family will do anything for attention!  Sex tapes, sex changes, jewelry heists!  Hanging out at Trump Towers!  Go die!  That’s what I want to see on the news!


Britney Spears

1487776524139Britney Spears.  Everybody has been wondering what happened to her.  Well not really, nobody gives a shit actually.  But her umbrella, now that’s a different story!  What umbrella, you may be asking?  Umm, just they one that she was swinging at the Paparazzi that night after she shaved her head.  Haha you remember, some bald bitch dancing around like Mary Poppins!  Well some asshole has it and is auctioning it off and giving half of the proceeds to a charity of Britney Spears’s choice.  Oh, I have a charity, The El Dookie Home for Wayward Midgets.  I want a piece of this action!


Ashley Judd

ashleyjuddpussyhatIn case you are wondering, I STILL HATE ASHLEY JUDD!  Her and her pussy hat won’t shut up!

Now she is saying that Trump getting elected is worse than when she was raped as a child.  Haha, that’s taking it a little far!  Obama sucked, but I would never say that it was worse than when I got fisted by an old lady in an Asian Massage Parlor!

Take a listen to this kooky cunt:

Let me break this down:

  • I would rather have a pussy grabber like Trump than everybody trying to grab Obama
  • He calls his wife a piece of ass. Haha, yeah, I tend to agree!
  • His daughter is his favorite sex symbol? What’s with all the incest business? Did Ashley Judd ever say who raped her?  Papa Judd perhaps?  I guess that is the last time she sings Why Not Me in the shower!

Witches

witches-640x480I am trying to cut down on the political segment of this show.  Quite frankly, everybody is sick of politics.  Regardless of what side of the aisle you are on, this has to be the most absurd thing I have ever heard.

Witches are uniting to cast a binding spell on Trump and his followers!  Haha, you gotta see these fat fuckers!  Since this spell does involve me, I should have a say in who casts it.  I want the girls from Charmed!

Anyway, with all these witches we have in Washington DC, why do they need to bring in outsiders to fuck up Trump.  I mean, you got Pelosi, Warren, Hillary.  And then you got the warlock Michelle Obama.


Zyppah

Ok, it’s time for annoying commercials.  This company has caused me to cancel my XM Radio subscription twice!

Who is this Jimmy guy?  I got news for him; it’s not his snoring that keeps women out of his bed, it’s the fact that he is a total knob gobbler!


Popeyes

Ok, so some lady is suing a San Antonio Popeyes because she said she got screwworms in an order of fried chicken.  She said these things are eating her from the inside out, so she is suing for a million bucks!

A million, that’s it?  If I start getting eaten alive by flesh eating insects, I’m not settling for a million bucks!!

Well, scientists say that this scenario is impossible which leads me to: how in the fuck did she get flesh eating insects inside of her.  That has to be killer on the sex life!  Haha, could you imagine going down on this chick and some shit crawls out of there.  Hey, they say everything tastes like chicken.

I’m going to go order me an 8-piece, I’ll be back in a minute!


Geriatric Lap Dance

nursing homeOk, this next story has my temper flaring like a package of hemoroids!  So some lady that worked at a nursing home gave a 100-year old patient a lapdance!  Big fucking deal, right?  Well the nursing home thought it was a big deal and so did the Sanduski police department.  They charged her with gross sexual imposition.  Haha, when is getting a lap dance an imposition?  And when is it gross?  I could name a few times, but that’s a different story for another day!

Does the old man get a say in this?  He probably hasn’t been this hard since Herbert Hoover was in the white house.  And he has dementia, so he probably forget about it by the time he finished eating his jello.  The nurse was 26, it’s not going to get any better for him!

What I want to know is what song she was dancing to, I mean the guy is in triple digits.  I’m not going with heavy metal or hip hop!  I am thinking something from the big band era.  You know, like Next Stop Pottersville.  Now go put some money on that honey!


McNerd

McDorkOk, I am just going to lay it on the line here:  Some guy in Illinois proposed to his old lady by sticking a ring in a box of chicken mcnuggets.  Classy move, but anyway, on the inside of the box he wrote: ‘Will you McMarry Me?’  Haha, I’m about to McVomit.

Apparently his girlfriend is a bigger fan of chicken biproducts than him, so he is basically bribing her.  Me personally, I would have went for a Happy Meal.  Seriously, there is a prize in there!  I’m surprised that McFatso didn’t swallow this thing!

Anyway, I hope it works out between these two, I don’t have a lot of faith, but if it doesn’t she could always sell a sextape with the Hamburgular!


Targets

nra-b271Man, these activists will come up with anything to cry racism.  Now it’s targets.  NO, not the store.  Target is not the target this time, as it were.  It’s those paper targets you shoot at!  They don’t want to make them black anymore because it causes an unconscious bias against African Americans.  Haha, when is the last time a white person broke into your house?

Anyway, they say that young black men are three times more likely to be shot by trained shooters than their white peers.  I’m going out on the skinny limbs here; maybe it’s because they are three times more likely to commit crimes against trained shooters!  It’s simple math!

 

 

Exactly what color can you make these things anyway:

  • Brown will piss off the Mexicans
  • Yellow will piss off the Asians
  • Red will piss off the Russians
  • And then there is blue, you going to piss off the smurfs!

I say these activist give us photos of their significant others to use as targets.


I-Con

gI_64356_icoPeople these days will do anything to screw up normal everyday sex between a man and a woman.  You got these geeks that are making robots to break one off in, it’s getting ridiculous!  But this takes the cake, it’s like a fitbit for your dick!  It’s called the I-Con Smart Condom.  They lost me at the condom part, but it’s not actually a condom.  You put it on over a condom.  It’s more like a cock ring.  You sync it to your phone and it tells you:

  • Calories burnt during intercourse
  • Speed of thrusts
  • Total number of thrusts
  • Frequency of sessions
  • Total duration of sessions
  • Different positions used
  • And average skin temperature. Haha, yeah, that tidbit of info always comes in handy.

I find this troubling for many reasons:

1.Some dumbass will update his Facebook profile with this shit, like anybody cares, it’s inevitable.

2.And then there is the whole charging of the battery.  I have an iPhone!  What, I have to carry around another charger now?

3.Hackers!  Like we need a reminder of an off night beside having it blasted all over the internet.

For 75 bucks, I really don’t see much benefit here except that it can detect chlamydia and syphilis.  It’s a small price to pay when you factor in an embarrassing trip to the doctor.

Maybe this thing has a reminder for when it’s time to pull out:

I think they need to make an electronic dental dam.  It measures head bobs, volume, whether or not she got a little toothy!  How many times she gagged.  It makes a perfect mother’s day gift.


Illegal Alien Rant

You know what I am getting sick of, it’s all the distant relatives of illegal aliens that are whining about the prospect of them going back home.  It’s like being at the bar at closing time; you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here!  Go to Canada!  All these people complaining about building a wall and Trump’s Executive Orders, it doesn’t concern ordinary citizens.  Hence the illegal part of illegal alien, that is not actually a citizen!  Hey they broke the law!  When I get a speeding ticket I have to sit through several grueling hours of defensive driving.  When they break the law, NOTHING!!!  Nah, bullshit!

I am all for immigration, don’t get me wrong.  But we have enough low skilled labor in this country already, just walk through a mall sometime.  We need people coming here that will give back, like doctors and scientists.  Not a bunch of kids coming across that don’t speak English!

And then you got people that say that they do jobs that Americans don’t want to do.  I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you don’t always get to do what you want to do.  I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid, that didn’t work out, so I had to work a series of jobs that sucked when I was younger. I got to say this, CUT OFF WELFARE and benefits.  These people don’t want these jobs because the government is subsidizing every aspect of their life if they don’t do them.  Food, housing, utilities, transportation, healthcare, and spending money; what, they are going to drop all that to go pick strawberries?

Haha, as a longtime consumer of illegal labor in the construction industry, I have to say, if it wasn’t for illegal aliens nothing would get built!  I have used thousands of day laborers, building medical facilities all over this country.  I am not trying to start a race riot here, but out of hundreds of projects all over the country, I can count the black construction workers I have seen on my fingers.  They just won’t do it.  Is it really that hard?  NO!!!  I am sure it is not as hard as being an aspiring rapper.

So you pick up an illegal alien and pay them about twelve bucks an hour to sweep a jobsite.  SWEEP!!  I’m not talking about a sweatshop here, I’m talking about sweeping.  Did I mention that they get $12 an hour!!  TAX FREE AND FREE LUNCH!  And transportation to and from the job!  With this arrangement, they are welcome to work as many hours as they want, considering overtime is not on the table.  They can’t keep up with the hundred hours a week that I put in, but I am open to all the hours they want.  Are they screwing the government of income tax?  Not really!  Here is why: I can’t exactly deduct the cash I take out of an ATM machine to pay these people.  So I absorb that tax burden.  Why you may ask?  Because they are eager to work!  They have absolutely no education, but they have a dab of common sense and they want to work.   You don’t get that by pulling some dude out of the ghetto!  Seriously let me break down Illegal aliens vs some ghetto trash:

1.There is a language barrier with both.  I happen to find Spanish easier to learn than Ebonics

2.They both are uneducated, but the illegal alien has a smidgeon of common sense, which goes a long way on a construction site

3.The smell is negligible, but I will take BO over Sean John cologne any day.

4.I can’t think of one item ever stolen by an illegal alien.  I had to go steal a truck back from a crackhouse once—True story, you can read all about it in my book, Crimes Against Humanity: Memoirs of El Dookie

5.Illegal Aliens want to work!  That’s it for me!

So why can’t all these unemployed Americans go work for $12 an hour tax free?  It’s not permanent, but it’s a start.  It’s because they don’t want to get off the government tit!  Getting up and going to work every day is a pain in the ass.  Paying bills is a pain in the ass!  Having responsibility is a pain in the ass!

I am not for deporting millions people, but what I am for is cutting benefits to those who don’t want to work.  They can go starve to death for all I care.


Conclusion

Well folks, it looks like my bottle of Crown Royal is half empty so we gotta be at the end of the show.

I urge all of you to go out and make bad decisions this week.  The sort of deviant acts that you can write about in you memoir, some day.  Go do stuff that would make the devil blush!  The nastier the better!

Go be a lamaze partner to a zoo animal, go make something great again, go put a tranny wrestler in a choke hold, go adopt a kid from Antarctica, go make a sextape with Kim Kardashian, go shove Britney Spears’s umbrella up someone’s ass, go give Ashley Judd’s pussy hat an STD, go get a hooker for a nursing home patient, go shoot at targets of celebrity activists, go hire an illegal alien to do all that work on your wife’s honeydo list and then spend the afternoon in a strip club.   Do whatever floats your boat!

As always you can find links, pictures, and videos from today’s stories on eldookie.com, as well as a bunch of other time wasters, as well as my new youtube series Stabbin Cabin.

Until next time, I am El Dookie and this is The El Dookie Show!


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