Episode 202

The El Dookie Show 1/29/2017

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Transcript:

Inauguration

paddington-bearWell, the Inauguration is over.  Another reason the show is late.  I have to say that it didn’t meet my expectations.  I thought Hillary would try to stab Trump with a poison-tipped umbrella at some point.  At some point I expected Bill to beat his meat around all the Trump Women, wrong again.  At the least, I thought Michelle Obama would sport some moose knuckle!  I didn’t get anything right!

But I thought it was a nice ceremony and a great speech.  I don’t get all the fuss over the crowd size.  Who wants to stand outside in the rain for this thing.  I mean seriously, you need the equivalent of a Hubbell telescope to even see anything.   Who cares if Obama had more people at his.  I mean half of the people there were expecting free cell phones or something.  And they trashed the place.  I thought it was perfect!

It was nice seeing everyone leave this thing.  Obama left in a helicopter, Trump left in a limo, Hillary left on a broom.  Bill left in an ambulance because he had an erection lasting for more than 4 hours.  Awweeee, the sweet sound of a governmental handover!


Johnny Manziel

c24z24aviaaldg3Johnny Manziel, I need to get this assface on here as a guest!  He is just the kind of guy I love making fun of.  Maybe I will ask him when I see him next week in Houston.  You know, when I pay him 20 bucks for a selfie and I smear a Dirty Sanchez mustache on him.  Yeah, I will stick my finger up my own ass for this picture.

But anyway, this has been that never was in the first place is now giving Donald Trump Twitter advice!  Haha, I can’t really think of any instance that this guy would be qualified to give advice.  Let me run down the facts:

  • Football—The guy sucked in the Pros
  • Relationship—He beat the shit out of his girlfriend
  • College—He never finished
  • Sex—Haha, yeah right, just look at this inbred looking asshole

The guy is totally irrelevant in this world, but this is what he tweeted: Yo @POTUS, even I know to stay away from the notifications section on twitter.  Shit will drive you crazy, lead the country and let them hate.

Now that was poetry in 140 characters or less.  If this guy would have finished Literature 101 in college, he might have been able to turn this into a Haiku!

But anyway, I wrote him a limerick:

Johnny Manziel

I make fun of you every week on this show, what the Hell

You beat up your lady

I hope you die of AIDS from some dude in Haiti

Or get buttfucked by some tranny named Katy


Ronda Rousey

ronda-daplRonda Rousey, what do you do when you lose a fight to Amanda Nunes?  Well obviously you go to the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe for another fight you can’t win.  After Trump revitalized the Dakota Access Pipeline, I am sure this will be the next battleground.  Getting shot with rubber bullets can’t be as bad getting pummeled in a cage.

Like I said before, where do these idiots get off telling everybody what they can and can’t do with government land.  If they don’t want oil passing near their sacred land, than they can quit using gas in their vehicles.  Seriously they can go back to stealing horses, yeah, ride those fuckers.  They want to contaminate the other 99.99% of the country so they can have cheap gas and casinos.


Madonna

Ok Madonna, how are you coming along with those 30 million blowjobs you promised?

I get nauseated when I look at this bucktoothed skank.  She went off the deep end at the Women’s March the other day, take a listen:

Blow up the Whitehouse, haha, yeah right, she can’t even blow a couple of Hillary supporters!

And what’s with this we choose love business?  Blowing up a government building, yeah, that sounds loving!!!

In more important news, Madonna has filed for the adoption of two more children from Malawi. A government spokesman says she appeared before a High Court judge on Wednesday.  Yeah, because nothing helps her case like wearing a pussy hat and threatening to kill the President of the United States.

I mean seriously, we are trying to keep people out of this country, and she is bringing them in!


Ashley Judd

Ok, The El Dookie Show has a new target, Ashley Judd.  Oh, I hate this cunt now!  Listen to what she said about Trump:

Wet dream??  Haha, ok that went to far.  Nasty woman, yeah she nailed it!

I like The Judds.  But where the Hell did Ashley come from.  Did Naomie give birth to this bitch anally or what.

And what are her credentials anyway.  I mean did you see that movie Double Jeopardy.  Her husband faked his own death to get away from this crazy kook!  Probably not all he was faking, but that’s a different story!  Anyway, I’ve seen better acting in a high school 1-act play!

Her fat sister is no looker, but she can sing!


Keith Olbermann

Keith Olbermann, what toilet did this jack-off pop out of?  Take a listen to this:

I thought this retard did sports!  Now he is at GQ Magazine and he wants Trump to resign.  Haha, keep waiting asshole, keep waiting.

dialvisionI have something I would like Keith Olbermann to do.  Like get rid of those dial a vision glasses he keeps ordering off of TV.  Seriously, this guy couldn’t get laid in a $2 whorehouse on nickel night.  What the fuck is he doing at GQ.  I guess I assumed that a guy would have to have some game to work there, apparently they lowered their standards.  Lesbians find this guy sexy!  I found some old footage from this knobjob from the 80’s, he looks like John Larroquette’s sister!

Anyway, what the Hell is Trump lying about anyway?  Seriously, how much could this guy lie in 3 days to get Keith Olbermann’s taint twisted in a knot?  And where was this cockgobbler when Obama said you can keep your doctor?  I guess Keith liked his erectile dysfunction doctor so he kept his erectile dysfunction doctor.


Shia Lebouf

3c86a46700000578-4158972-image-m-8_1485417661235Shia Lebouf, Haha man, this dude is so far off the radar, I don’t even care how to pronounce his name!

You know, he is another one of these tolerant liberals that assaulted somebody at an anti-Trump Rally.  Well, the cops arrested him.  Haha, man, I can’t think of a better place for this asshole besides in jail with a bunch of criminals that don’t care about his shitty movies.  You know hardened criminals that are waiting for The Transformers to come out on Netflix.  Murderers that quit watching Indiana Jones after The Temple of Doom.    I wonder if Shia Lebouf is a vegetarian?  What would be funnier than watching him toss everybody’s salad in cell block 6?


Joss Wheedon

joss-whedon-and-kai-coleHave you ever seen a sloppier looking dumbass than Joss Wheedon?  This guy’s head, my God!  This guy is a half chromosome away from being a full-blown mongoloid!

Anyway, this ugly fuck called Ivanka Trump a dog.  Haha, that’s funny actually.  This guy commenting on anyone’s looks is funny.  You got to see this guy’s wife!  I’ll post a pic on eldookie.com.  You gotta see this goblin-faced tranny!  So what are Joss Wheedon’s credentials for making fun of anyone?  Well, let’s see:

  • He wrote the Avengers.
  • He wrote all the Buffy the Vampire Slayers. He never could quite close the deal with Sarah Michelle Gellar though. Allysin Hannigan wouldn’t even give this guy a handjob.  Pee Wee Herman was in Buffy the Vampire slayer though, who knows what they did to each other in dark theaters!
  • He wrote Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the porn parody. I think he was also an uncredited fluffer in that film.
  • Probably his biggest accomplishment was writing four episodes of Roseanne back in the late 80’s early 90’s. Can you imagine, everybody thought John Goodman left a shit on the set, turns out it was Joss Wheedon

Anyway, back to this guy’s wife.  I can’t tell the difference between his face and her ass; and her face and his ass.  Haha, They make the perfect couple!


Website de Casa Blanca

404pageWith a new sheriff in town you get a new website.  Nothing says Make America Great Again like deleting a bunch of junk off the WhiteHouse.gov website that most people don’t care about.  It removed pages for LGBT rights, climate change, regulations.  My favorite part is that it’s only in English now.  Haha, man I love it.  Now if we can get ballots and welfare applications in English.


FemiNazis

Haha, man these feminazis hate Trump.  Haha, like a million of them were marching all over the country with vagina hats and pussy sweaters.  Haha, if they were marching who was at home cooking supper.  Anyway, a million men should have went to Hooters to counter protest!   I think I will organize that for next year!

You got to listen to this kookie cunt:

Kill all men!  Haha, yeah, that sounds reasonable.  Reproduce into an all female society.  Off of what?  Rachel Maddow’s sperm samples.  Baby factory?  Haha, yeah, who’s that desperate to stick it in this hosehound.

I’m starting a new hashtag.  #GrabHerByTheStrapon


#CALEXIT Already!

calexitMan, these #CALEXIT nuts are moving forward on seceding from the Union.  Their secretary of state announced that a ballot initiative called “California Nation” has been approved by the state to begin collecting signatures to qualify for the 2018 ballot.

Wait a minute!  I am going to start a ballot initiative to kick their ass out!  By the time the other 49 states collect a tax on refined petroleum products we can finance a wall right around them.  It would take a month!

This could be an experiment in socialism.  Like there aren’t enough examples already to prove it a flop.  They can try taxing the rich at 100%.  Paying everybody $15 buck an hour, open their border to Mexico.  I say let Nancy Pelosi run the place further into the ground.  It wouldn’t last 2 years!  They would end up getting annexed by Mexico!


Kars-4-Kids

Ok, on this episode I am starting a new segment.  Shitty commercials.  The ones you can’t get out of your head and make you want to commit a violent crime.  Like this one:

Haha, that commercial ought to be for some sort of birth control.  Seriously, I almost changed my view on abortion because of that commercial.  I will donate my car if they take this shit off the air.


San Diego Piss Bucket

e98a8683-f2a8-4d40-a782-2069d5f19ddc_300The San Diego Unified School District has been ordered to pay more than $1.25 million in damages to a former student who was forced to urinate in a bucket after her request for a bathroom break was denied. The 2012 incident fueled gossip, lewd texts, depression and a suicide attempt.

Ok, this teacher should have let the girl go take a wizz.  Personally, I would have pissed on the teacher’s desk and Facetime Live’d it, but that’s just me.  Anyway, let’s break this thing down:

Gossip—Who doesn’t talk about another student pissing in a bucket

Lewd Texts—Hey, did you really piss in a bucket, LMFAO

Depression—I can never go into Home Depot again, they sell orange buckets

Suicide—I can’t handle the stress of becoming a piss bucket internet sensation

Well, I’m sure she will feel better after she cashes that check!  I’ll take a bucket over a gender neutral bathroom anyday!


Burger King

fastfoodpotarrestsWell a dynamic duo in New Hampshire were arrested after police were tipped off to their drug operation using a Burger King restaurant drive-through window.  You gotta see these idiots and it will make perfect sense why they didn’t get away with it.

Buyers would arrive at the restaurant and ask for “Nasty Boy.”  Once it was verified he was working they had to ask for their fries extra crispy.

I swear these two morons aren’t smart enough to hatch a scheme like this, I bet that Creepy Burger King dude was behind it.  Great, we are going to be in an all-out turf war with Ronald McDonald now.

Here is what’s funny with this, Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren think that these people should get 15 bucks an hour!  Marinate on that for a second!


Northwestern Tranny

ct-northwestern-transgender-met-jpg-20170121Well, I knew it would happen sooner or later!  Transgenders are entering the greek world.  For those that don’t know what the greek world is, that’s Fraternities and Sororities.

So some transgender man, born with a female body but identifying as male, has felt the need to join a sorority.  All this transgendered stuff confuses me!  When you add the man and female part to the transgendered part, is that past or present?  Too confusing!

So let me put this in terms that we can all understand:

  • Adam Davies was born with a Vagina
  • At some point she preferred to be a dude but was missing a dick
  • She wanted to join a fraternity, but didn’t feel comfortable around guys so now she wants to join a sorority

Ok you freaky little cunt, pick a gender and stick with it!!!

Despite the whole vagina thing, no fraternity is gonna want this nerd!  I have a pic of it on eldookie.com.  The good news is it didn’t get any bids.  The rest of the good news is that the federal government has declared social fraternities and sororities exempt and free to make their own membership decisions, including those based on gender identity.  There may be hope for civilization yet.


Skittles

skittleSo on a rural highway in Wisconsin, hundreds of thousands of skittles fell off a truck and got scattered all over the road.  They were rejects that didn’t have the ‘S’ on them.  They were on their way to some farm.  Who knew that cows ate skittles?  It’s not that bad of a concept when you think about it?  Rainbow colored cow shit.  You see it before you step in it.  Next time I eat a steak I have to wonder what this thing ate.  I don’t want to taste a rainbow, I want to taste A1 sauce!


Doomsday Clock

doomsday-clockHave you ever heard of the Doomsday clock?  Yeah, me either.

Well, the minute hand of the Doomsday Clock indicates how close the world’s leading scientists think we are from destroying the planet, Midnight on the clock represents doomsday. The closer the minute hand is to midnight, the higher the chance of a global cataclysm, according to the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists, the group that sets the time on the symbolic clock.

After Trump was elected this thing moved forward to two and a half minutes to midnight, scientists announced today in Washington, D.C.

What would have happened in Hillary would have won.  This fucker would have sprung forward an hour like daylight savings time!

I have an idea.  How about these scientist do something worthwhile with their knowledge besides screwing with an imaginary clock.


Dog Music

cm9vk66wiaayze8When scientists aren’t busy predicting the end of the world, they put their education to good use.  You know, like studying which type of music makes dogs the happiest.

Researchers at the University of Glasgow in Scotland, found that reggae and soft rock topped the canine charts.  Haha, what a racket these scientist are in.  They could say anything, they can’t prove shit!  It’s like common core science!  Haha, these are the same idiots that said there was global warming and I was freezing my ass off in May in South Texas.

The sad part is governments are paying for this shit!  The other sad part is who gives a damn what the dogs think.  When my dog starts paying for my XM Radio subscription, he may get a say.  Until then he better shut his snout and sit back and enjoy Fox News!  You know what, I can compromise?  When Shepard Smith comes on, we can listen to whatever he wants!


Bait and Ship

78952fedex-jpgYou know what drives me nuts, it’s ordering something online and choosing FedEx for shipping.  A day later you track it and now its going through the Postal System.   Hey assholes, I paid for FedEx just to keep it out of the Postal System!!!  It’s a classic logistics bait and switch

And what’s with this Grove City, Ohio place.  All my packages hit this shithole and sit for days.

As soon as I get an order that needs to be returned, you ought to see how I am going to send it back.  It will probably involve a train, a ship, and some asshole on a horse.

Pretty soon drones are going to start delivering stuff.  Now we are up to three companies!  At that point, I will be ready to go back to fighting the crowds of common people and just buy it in the store!


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