The El Dookie Show 1/15/2017
This year, I kept New Years Eve low-key. Since my bucket list is now down to zero there is not that much left out there for me to do. Its like watching every movie on Netflix, you get to the end and you are like NOW WHAT? Anyway, I scrolled through all the usual New Years shows. Dick Clark, Fox News, I think I accidentally landed on CNN once. I gotta say, the shows were a disaster! Jenny McCarthy looked like Jenna Jameson in drag, the music sucked, Mariah Carey blew it, Griff Jenkins looked like a retard in a cowboy hat, DNCE looked like clown vomit, so on and so forth. The only thing that kept me watching was the possibility of a Kimberly Guilfoyle nip-slip.
Nobody looked dumber than Don Lemon from CNN though! This retard got shitface drunk on national TV and got his ear pierced on Bourbon Street. Then you got Kathy Griffin trying to talk him into getting his nipple pierced and at some point Anderson Cooper got a woody and they went to a commercial break.
I was ready for the ball to drop so these idiots would get off the air. I guess I expected more to round out this historic year. You know, Trump won, the Cowboys are in the playoffs, Shepard Smith came out of the closet. It was a good year. I can only wonder what 2017 will bring; maybe Rosie O’Donnell will eat herself to death.
Have you ever seen so many UFC experts in your life? They didn’t even have Ronda Rousey’s blood mopped out of the ring yet and everybody was throwing their 2 cents worth in. If you’re like me and didn’t watch the fight, let me save you the time.
Yeah, it was that bad. This Nunes chick pounded on her like donkey kong! I was rooting for Ronda Rousey though. I always go for the hot chick in a fight, that’s just human nature.
I don’t even watch this shit, but I consider myself an expert. Do nothing Bitch, haha, yeah, that’s what she did in the ring alright, NOTHING!
I don’t see much of a future in fighting for her anymore, so I am going to toss out a few career moves:
- Lesbian Porn-She is already used to rolling around with half-naked with women. I don’t think guys would want anything to do with her. She would put some dude in some kind of a dick bar.
- Mainstream acting-She could go on TV and get the shit beat out of herself. She would be a natural!
- Amway-I think she could make a double-diamond distributor in no time.
What I do see happening in the near future is her getting fat. I’m not talking about a little chubby, I’m talking obese. She is going to look like Mama June on Honey Boo Boo within a year!
Johnny Manziel, UGHH, he won’t go away. Haha, now this assface is charging for selfies. He has two appearances scheduled in malls around Houston to sign autographs and take pics with the 3 or 4 fans he has left. Get this:
- For $99, “Johnny Douchebag” will sign any item or pose for a professional photo
- For $50, he will take a selfie
- For an extra $29, he will write an inscription of four words or less.
Haha, this should make him hundreds! He won’t have shit left after he hits the food court, though. I’m thinking about taking The El Dookie Show on the road for this one. I just need to get head lice and the flu before I take my selfie with him.
This year, I am going to vow to push Rosie O’Donnell over the edge. I am so sick of this fat slob! Pushing her to Canada isn’t enough. No, no, I am going to step it up a notch. I am going to dig deep down in my El Dookie bag of tricks for this one.
She tweeted this the other day: ‘I FULLY SUPPORT IMPOSING MARTIAL LAW – DELAYING THE INAUGURATION – UNTIL TRUMP IS “CLEARED” OF ALL CHARGES’
Haha, what charges?
Has Moby Dyke lost her mind? At some point these tards have to accept the fact the Trump will be the president in about 5 days!
Well 2017 is off to a good start, Megyn Kelly is leaving Fox News. Great, I can stop watching that dude on MSNBC, what’s his name, Rachel Maddow. She is going to NBC. Like that village needs another idiot. I am going to miss her constant book promotions though; Settle For More. Well Fox News settled for more alright, they tossed Tucker Carlson right there in her place!
Here is the problem with this NBC move, they may cancel Days of Our Lives for a new Megyn Kelly show! I used to love me some Days, I almost flunked out of college when Marlena was possessed by the devil. If they cancel that show, Megyn Kelly will be the most hated lady on Earth, right behind Hillary Clinton. Who knows, Stefano may come back to life for this one.
I Will Survive
What’s more annoying that a bunch of celebrities protesting Trump? Here, watch this:
Did that make you want to shove a pineapple up your ass? I guess the good news is that they have come to the fact that he will be president. Baby steps assholes, baby steps!
Well, Madonna still owes blow jobs to about half of the Hillary’s voters. I really don’t see a lot of people holding her to her deal. I mean, she is pushing 60, how good of a hummer could she give? I’m sure it’s up there with a toothless Korean barber.
Anyway, as a sign of protest to the Trump Inauguration she posted a pic of a Nike swoosh as some chick’s muff on Instagram, to support the 1 Million Women’s March. Haha, wow, women have come a long way! From burning bras to pubis art. Maybe some day they will be able to vote and drive cars, who knows?
And these people say Trump is vulgar.
If Madonna is so cool, why didn’t she show her own wrinkled snatch on there?
Steve Harvey, this idiot fucked up an entire Miss Universe pageant in less than 5 seconds!
Anyway, he met with Trump the other day to discuss partnering with him and Ben Carson to restore America’s inner cities. This guy fucked up reading a notecard, do we really want him fixing inner cities? They’re already full of illiterate black people?
Yeah, the Trumps vs. the Clintons in Family Feud. Someone would give Hillary all of the questions before the show, Trump would win again, Steve Harvey would say the Clintons won, and Jill Stein would try another recount! Sound familiar?
Flip or Flop
Ok, I have been watching Flip or Flop since last summer and I have always said that Christina El Moussa is banging around. God, I hate being right all the time! About a month ago it hit the news that her and Tarek had separated. I said: “she is probably screwing a contractor!” Guess what, right again! Wrong contractor though, although I am not 100% sure that big dumb Frank guy isn’t the father of her youngest child. But anyway, now they are divorcing and I couldn’t be happier. I think this is the only home improvement show where I am actually rooting for someone to lose money. I hate these people! Him and his big friggin dumbo ears and her with her speech impediment.
Get this, even thought they are getting divorced, they are still going to do the show. I haven’t even had a phone conversation with an ex-wife, and these two idiots are going to continue to do a show together? So here is the funny part, Tarek is asking for spousal support. Haha, good for him. His wife was banging everybody but him, he should get the payday!
I am not a fan of the Obamas! That shouldn’t come as a shocker. None of them: him, his husband Michelle, the two kids, and whoever that old lady that is that’s always on vacation with them. Anyway, you can add their racist dog Sunny to that mix too. I do like his brother though; he supported Trump, he has to be ok!
Anyway, this prejudice puppy, Sunny, bit a friend of the family on the face. Get this, the dog is black, and it bit a white kid! Haha, the first black dog of the first black family, has a nice ring to it.
If I was this kid, I would sue the living shit out of the Obamas and try to push for a hate crime for the dog. Seriously, Obama would have to pardon this fucking dog when I got done with it!
It’s almost that time. It’s taken eight years, but it’s time for Obozo to go.
Have you ever seen pictures of all the trash left behind at Obama’s Inauguration? They were picking up beer bottles and garbage for weeks! I would like to compare that to the Trump Inauguration.
Anyway, this thing is going to be a 3-ring circus. People all over the world are coming to protest. Entertainers are coming and going. Who knows who is going to sing?
The funny part is that the Bush’s will be there. That’s going to be awkward! Not as awkward as the Clinton’s being there! Who invited these idiots? I hope the Secret Service checks Hillary’s pantsuit for a weapon. It’s no shit her last chance to take Trump out, and have Obama still pardon her! Seriously, there is a short window here!
Anyway, I am ready for it to be over so we can get down to business!
Man, these Russians and their stories about Trump. Haha, have you ever heard of such crap? The media took this stuff so far out in left field that I was actually hoping it was true. You know, Trump hiring hookers in Moscow to pee on him on the same bed that the Obamas slept in. It couldn’t get any more fake. I mean, the Dos XX Most Interesting Man couldn’t have pulled off this stunt.
Anyway, if the news is going to run with crap like this, maybe they will go with the story about me giving Nancy Pelosi a Hot Karl a few years ago. What’s a Hot Karl you may be asking? Well, one night in a Holiday Inn Express, near the San Francisco Airport, I wrapped Nancy Pelosi in Saran Wrap and took a shit on her. To my knowledge, nobody famous had ever slept in that bed though. Maybe an insurance salesman from Buffalo, who knows?
The only golden shower Trump has ever had is from the 24-karat plated shower head in Trump Tower.
I can’t wait to see what else they will come up with in 2017.
Hairy Female Wrestlers
I don’t get all the BDSM stuff! I thought 50 Shades of Grey was boring. Anyway, I could never understand why men pay women to physically torture the shit out of them all the time. Women beat me down mentally all the time, they aren’t getting the physical part too.
Well there is a house in London that has professional female wrestlers that will beat the hell out of men as a fantasy role play. I guess there is hope for Ronda Rousey to reboot her career after all! Haha, you got to see these women, I haven’t seen that much armpit hair since the 80’s in France! What kind of fetish is that? Maybe one of them will shave a swoosh in there and Madonna will post a pic on twitter. I DON’T KNOW, I don’t know if we could get that lucky!
With British men like this, no wonder the British Empire fell apart!
Ok, Covergirl cosmetics has hired some dude as their new ambassador. You gotta see this twink! I don’t think he is even transgendered, I think he is just some fagmaster that likes makeup and wearing his mom’s panties.
I’m not an expert on women’s beauty products, although I have wiped tons of it off my body through the years. I have some beauty advice for James Charles: wear makeup if you want, but LOSE THOSE FUCKING EYEBROWS DUDE!
Those things are all over the place!
Before internet porn, if you couldn’t get your hands on a Playboy or Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, cosmetic ads were the goto for boys to rub one off. Now you got this dude on there! I don’t know if the human race can be salvaged!
A while back, I did a story on Alexandria Vera, the teacher outside of Houston that got knocked up by a 13-year-old student. You know, the kid that’s parents were ok with him shacking up with this chick.
Well, I have some closure to the story, The kid is in foster care and the teacher just got sentenced to 10 years in prison. Haha, man, this kid had it all. There are pics of this chick where she looks hot! Being fat and pregnant with an ankle bracelet, not so much anymore!
Talk about forbidden fruit! What teenage boy hasn’t dreamed about banging a teacher? I dreamed about it! And it is happening all around us. I was never a lucky one though; It’s the story of my life, I am always in the wrong place at the wrong time!
Does anybody even wear hiking boots. Seriously, last time I went hiking, I think I wore flip-flops! It doesn’t seem like an activity that I need to purchase a bunch of junk for just to end up stored in a warehouse somewhere.
Anyway, some company in LA has a boot that left 8 tiny Swastikas as a tread mark. As you can imagine, everybody went nuts. The company apologized, and Amazon dropped them. Not before they got some wonderful reviews though:
- Apple bottom jeans and the boots with the fuhrers.
- Very comfortable. Nein out of ten.
- I love them too, they really put me in mein kampfort zone.
Sometimes I read Amazon reviews for entertainment!
Here is my thoughts on hiking boots:
Ok, I think you know that we are surrounded by idiots, they’re everywhere. Whiny college kids are taking over this segment of morons at the fastest pace. But University of California freshman Seth Greenberg has taken the cake. He has promised to publicly remove his dick if Donald Trump begins work on the border wall. He said this in an interview: that he’s so confident that Trump is full of shit, that he will cut his dick off, publicly if he adds even a mile of new wall By the looks of this geek, he isn’t using his dick on any incoming freshman girls!
Anyway, get your scissors ready asshole, I just recruited a fraternity out there and we are about to start work! I’m going to Home Depot to get a trowel this afternoon.
I coined a new term, TRUMP COCK. You know, when you didn’t have much to start with but you cut it off anyway when Trump does something cool. I hope more of his friends will get on board with this.
I will keep you updated on this, I’m not going to let this kid go away.
You know what drives me nuts, it’s all these gofundme pages! I think some of them are good, like the one set up for the mentally challenged kid that got tortured by the four thugs in Chicago. I hope this kid breaks the bank!
It’s not so much the pages that drive me nuts, it’s the fact of how much they make when they beat their goal when they go viral.
Take Allie Dowdle for instance. She started dating a black guy and her parent went nuts and cut off her college money. Well, that’s her side of the story anyway. She took her story of racism to gofundme to raise money for college. Her goal was $10,000 but people believed her bullshit and she is currently at almost $30,000. That extra $20,000 should keep her boyfriend up to date with the latest PlayStation subscriptions and Cheetos while she is in class as a pregnant freshman in college. There may be a little left over for formula, her tits don’t look like they can keep up!
Then you got Talladega College. It’s a black college that is sending it’s band to play at the inauguration. Their alumni went fucking nuts, as well as the rest of the black world when they announced this. Well, they set up a gofundme page to raise money for travel expenses to get to DC. I saw this on O’Reilly Factor the other night and checked it out. They had a goal of $75,000 and were almost at $67,000 when I first looked. About ten minutes later they were over $200,000 bucks! Now this thing is at $370,000. What the fuck are they going to do with an extra $300,000 bucks? Malt liquor and Swisher Sweets, that’s about a grand! Trashy Backpage hookers for all the band geeks, $5,000, tops. Throw in a truckload of Dr. Dre Beats and some new kicks and all the legal fees after getting in trouble they will still have a quarter million left over!
I need to get on this gofundme bandwagon. I am going to eat an asbestos sandwich and tell everybody I have mesothelioma! No better yet, I am going to try to raise a quarter of a million for penis reduction surgery!