Episode 18

The El Dookie Show 12/09/2016

availableonitunes   stitcher_button  google-play


👇🏻  Click on this link to support eldookie.com! 👇🏻

ebates_logo_notag_2015


Transcript:

You are now connected to The El Dookie Show!  It’s Friday December 9th.  Welcome to another episode of my weekly shit-show!  It’s time for me to say what all of you are thinking!  So many idiots to make fun of and so little time.

Sometimes I feel like the clown in the retard rodeo that is the news!

Well Trump is still winning!  He worked a deal with the Japanese to invest 50 billion and create 50,000 jobs.  And the CEO of US Steel said they may hire back 10,000 workers.   All this winning, I need a break!  Hey Donald can you at least wait until after Christmas, I need some time to catch up!

Well Jill Stein is still trying to recount the votes in three states.  If we recount everywhere, Trump may end up winning the popular vote after all!  Hillary is losing right and left!  In Detroit, some of the same people voted for Hillary 8 times!

Good news though, Trump was named Time Magazine Person of the Year.  And Jill Stein just started a new gofundme page to fund a recount the votes!  He actually only beat me by a thin margin, maybe next year!  I’m sure I am not the only one, but I think Anthony Weiner should get Person of the Year.  He did save the world!  I wish they would change it back to Man of the Year, and Woman of the Year.  I hate all of this inclusiveness.  Personally, I would like to see Michelle Obama get nominated for Man of the Year.  It would be close, but I think she could beat Rachel Maddow.

As always you can follow all my normal, everyday shenanigans on twitter, instagram, facebook, youtube; all that stuff.  Oh, and now I’m on gab, it’s the future of free speech.  Just search for El Dookie.  I am the only real one out there!  There’s tons of imposters, but nobody else can cockblock Michael Irvin like me!

If you haven’t bought your copy of Crimes Against Humanity: Memoirs of El Dookie, what are you waiting on?

For a fraction of the cost of a couple of Standing Rock Sioux bingo cards, you can read about the sickest, most perverse actions ever taken on the human race.  And I did them all!  Booze, sex, bodily functions, the destruction of random property; why wouldn’t you buy it!   If it’s not your thing, buy it anyway.  Go live your life vicariously through someone as sick and twisted as me!  It’s on iTunes, Amazon, Barnes and Noble; all that stuff!  It even has pictures of yours truly doing this stuff!

When I get rested up from all this winning that I’m already tired of, I’m going to get started on the paperback version. I am going to replace all the Gideon’s bibles in the Trump Hotels.  I’m going to Make America Great Again one room at a time!


Bowe Bergdahl

Bowe Bergdahl, talk about a shitbag!  Is this the longest trial ever?  What’s the penalty for treason these days?  It wouldn’t bother me if they hung him and then shot him.

Well this moron sent a letter to Obama to pardon him.  No, I didn’t stutter!

This shit bag hauled ass to go play soccer with his Taliban buddies and got 6 Americans killed looking for him.  And he wants a pardon.  And don’t forget that we gave up 5 Guantanamo Bay prisoners for him.  And don’t forget that his parents went to the Whitehouse to be with Obama after he was released.

I would bet dollars to donuts that he gets a pardon.  Seriously!  It’s one more thing he can do that Trump can’t erase.  His legacy is about to be in shambles come next month!  What’s better than saving a traitor to this country?

I would rather see him pardon Anthony Weiner.  Seriously!  Republicans need him running around on the streets.  The guy about destroyed the Democrats with a dick pic!


Colin Kaepernick

Well Colin Kaepernick stunk up the field in Chicago.  And then he subsequently stunk up the bench when they pulled him out of the game.

kaepernick-associated-press-640x4801 pass for 4 yards, 5 sacks, and 6 runs for 20 yards.  Haha, I love it!  Especially the 5 sacks part.  I’m still waiting for someone to break his ribs.  Hell, sack him while he is sitting on the bench, I DON’T CARE.  That will bring the NFL ratings back up!  This guy sucked so bad, the crowd thought he was doing snow angel celebrations.  Nah, he was trying to get up after getting sacked!

I haven’t seen quarterback stats this bad since I use to beat the Hell out of my cousin playing Madden 94 on Sega Genesis.  I’m surprised this idiot didn’t try a fake punt on a 1st. Down!

When a reporter asked him about the NFL’s ratings taking a dump, Krapperdick said that the ratings are down because people don’t agree with justice and equality for everyone.  He also said that we have bigger issues to worry about than TV ratings.   He needs to be concerned with his 85 quarterback rating!  This guy is the worst quarterback I have ever seen since Quincy Carter played for the Cowboys!


Madonna

madonna_giWell, Madonna is still running her mouth!  Skype me and I will show you the shocked look on my face!  In a fundraiser for African children, she took a break from bashing Trump to say that she hasn’t had sex in a long time.  Man, if you saw that outfit she wore at that concert, I don’t think you would find that surprising.

I doubt she has time for sex, anyway!  She did promise blowjobs to about 31 million Hillary voters!  So many dicks-so little time!  I did tweet her that I voted for Hillary 3 times in an online poll, and I don’t think anal should be out of the question.  Like most other tweets I send to celebrities, I’m still waiting for a response.

But on a serious note she did raise over 7.5 million bucks for the children of Malawi, wherever the fuck that is. I think she should go deliver that money personally!  Every village needs an idiot!


Amy Schumer

Ok, I never lie to you on this show—true story, I don’t!  But this is serious!  Drumroll please!  Amy Schumer is going to play Barbie in a new movie!

schumerbarbie-640x480I never thought I would see the day when Mattel would release a White Trash Barbie. I thought that maybe, just maybe there would be a Marine Biologist Barbie and Amy Schumer could be the beached whale!

Here is the problem, what little kid has never undressed a Barbie to check out her goods?  Hell, I did!  Is Mattel going to put fat rolls on it?  What horny 4-year-old wants to look at a fat hunk of plastic?  And what Ken doll would want anything to do with her?  He wouldn’t touch her with The Elf on the Shelf’s dick!

If I were going to cast her in a movie, she would make a perfect Miss Piggy.  She may be a little too cunty for a children’s movie, but there’s definitely a striking resemblance!


Jill Stein

Ok, it’s common knowledge that Harambe got more votes than Jill Stein.  If I got beat by a dead albino gorilla I would probably try to keep a low profile.  I wouldn’t be out there filing recount lawsuits and protesting outside Trump Tower.

I actually think I could have beat her and Harambe both!  Booze, tits and midgets, that’s the platform I would run on!  Fuck it, I’ll even throw Evan McMullin in the mix too!  Nobody wants to vote for a bald dude!  I could have beaten all three of  them!  Gary Johnson, now that’s a different story.  Too many idiots voted for him.  I wouldn’t stand a chance!  I don’t want their vote anyway!

jill-stein-650xWell, in-between managing numerous gofundme pages, Jill Stein found the time to protest in North Dakota at the Standing Rock Sioux Dakota Access Pipeline fiasco.  And she spray-painted graffiti on a bull dozer.  Does this cunt know what those Chlorofluorocarbons just did to my environment?   Hey, I breathe this air too!  Talk about a hypocrite!

Well, the Morton County Sheriff’s Office didn’t find it too funny and they charged her with misdemeanor counts of criminal trespass and criminal mischief.

I don’t get this whole pipeline business anyway.  Isn’t this government property?  What’s the matter, would a pipeline interfere with a new casino they had planned?  If that land is so sacred, quit driving cars on it.  I guess it is ok for oil to pass over everybody else’s sacred ground.  What is so sacred about all those bingo games coming off that reservation?

What, I can’t tell them what to do on their reservation?  Bullshit, they are telling everyone else what to do off the reservation.  And another thing, I am going to demand that they use water-based ink for bingo.  No more of these toxic markers.


Gay Landlord Sex

What do you do when your gay landlord sneaks into your apartment for some afternoon butt bongo bonanza?  Me personally, I would beat the shit out of him, so bad that it turned into a hate crime!  But that’s just me!

quijadanestWell, a Colorado couple and some well placed Nest cameras caught their landlord banging some dude on their marital bed.   Now, let me tell you how sick and twisted this homosexter is.   He grabbed a dress out of the dirty clothes to wipe his junk off on after he was done.  Not just any dress, but the occupant’s wedding dress.

Well the couple turned over the quick 6 minutes of footage to the cops and the landlord is now facing an arrest warrant charging him with felony trespassing and misdemeanor obscenity.

No, no, no!   These people need to go after him in civilian court.  I’m talking about financially draining this faggot!

If the roles were reversed, what would happen?  Think about it for a second.  What if some couple broke in and the chick squirted all over his Justin Bieber concert t-shirt?  These people would be fucked!  Every gay advocacy group in the world would be after them.


Parrot

So this idiot in Portland had to make a court appearance for a drug and theft case.  So naturally you bring your pets to court with you, seems reasonable.  Well, he let his macaw parrot waiting up in a tree while he went inside, but he failed a drug test and was arrested.  The cops didn’t want the parrot to freeze, but they couldn’t get him down out of the tree.  So they the guy outside and uncuffed him and the parrot landed on his shoulder.

04e0ebf05ac54250a5de99b7cc136ff6This idiot took his mugshots with the parrot!  No shit!  I put a picture on eldookie.com.

You got to see this guy, he looks like Captain Blob, some fat degenerate pirate!


Sex Referendum

An actress in Italy who promised to perform sex acts on those who voted “No” in the country’s referendum on Sunday is apparently going all in.

Actress Paola Saulino has posted a set of “tour” dates throughout Italy for the month of January, to repay citizens.

paolasaulino-640x480I don’t even know what the referendum was about, but I voted NO!

Seriously, Madonna was the best we could do in this country to swing an election, and she was full of shit.  Paola on the other hand, is taking her shit show on the road.

Anyway, I have a plane to catch for Milan in about 30 minutes!


Pubes

A new study has found that adults who do any landscaping on their pubes were at an 80 percent higher risk of picking up an STI.  Take it all off, your staring down the barrel of a 440 percent chance.

nintchdbpict000286976898I’m going to go ahead and call bullshit on this one!  You’re telling me that some chick with a tight landing strip is worse off than some old lady with an amazon jungle growing down there?  Nah, can’t be.  The lady with the ‘50s bush, she doesn’t know what’s going on inside that thicket, it’s uncharted territory!  And crabs, there’s no place for them to hide on bare junk—true story!

All this talk about fake news, it’s this kind of shit that is going to set us back 100 years sexually.  I think I am going to go make an appointment to have my ass waxed!


Tom Ford

tomford2-640x480You ever hear of Tom Ford, the fashion designer.  Guys, let me give you some advice; don’t get trapped in an elevator with this pansexual fruitcake!  Well about ten years ago, he said that every man should experience being penetrated at least once in their lives.  In a recent interview with GQ, he said: that it would help them understand women.

You know, I generally don’t take advice from people that design sunglasses and voted for Hillary Clinton.  If it is any consolation to him, I will think about sitting down next time I have to take a piss!  Or maybe I will just invent some monthly mood swing and blame it on a punctuation mark!  But taking dick up the hatch isn’t on the list!  I had a colonoscopy once.  I get it!


Old People

You know what drives me nuts, it’s old people.  Don’t get me wrong, I like them but they drive me nuts.  You ever pull up next to one at the grocery store and look at them.  It scares the shit out of them every time.  They look at you like: ‘hey, what are you doing in my parking lot!’

Elevators!  OMG, last time I checked, a person should get off before somebody else gets in.  Not with old people, HELL NO!  They want to get into a stare down and try some dosey do square dance move.  That’s ok, I have my health.  I can just shut the door and go to another floor and take the fucking stairs!  No, you’re not getting on this time, pops!

Now I have to wear steel-toed boots to the grocery store because they will run over me in their little rascal to get to the free samples!  If they drove this aggressively on the freeway, the world would be a safer place!

But I will tell you one thing about these old people, when the Japs bombed Pearl Harbor they were ready to fight.  They weren’t hiding in a safe space taking selfies!  Hell no!  The men were on ships headed over and the women were working the factories.  And they kicked the living shit out of them!

As much as they drive me nuts, the elderly out there are the reason The El Dookie Show isn’t in Japanese.


Conclusion

Well folks, it looks like my bottle of Crown Royal is half empty so we gotta be at the end of the show.

I urge all of you to go out and make bad decisions this weekend.  The sort of deviant acts that you can write about in you memoir, some day.   Go do stuff that would make the devil blush!  The nastier the better!

Go bang a chick in your landlord’s bed, Go shave your pubes, go get arrested and take a mugshot with your favorite pet!  Do whatever floats your boat!

As always you can find links, pictures, and videos from today’s stories on eldookie.com, as well as a bunch of other time wasters.

Until next time, I am El Dookie and this is The El Dookie Show!


PLEASE RATE THE SHOW:

subscribe


 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s