Episode 17

The El Dookie Show 12/02/2016

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Keith Lamont Scott

Remember this:

Ahhh, the sweet sound of a career criminal being blown away by a racist black cop, or not, or in this case not.

Remember Keith Lamont Scott?  Harambe’s second cousin, twice removed?

books-outWell, the D.A. made an announcement on Wednesday not to press charges on the cop that blasted him.  My god, why did they keep him waiting this long for the obvious?  Anyway, you can read all the details on your own time.  I’ll post a link on eldookie.com.  There are no real shockers here!

But I do love when justice is served!

I still have some unanswered questions with this case though:

1.When are they going to arrest this asshole’s grieving wife that lied repeatedly to the police?  You know, the bitch that said he was reading a book.

2.What book was he reading?  I asked his family months ago on their gofundme page, but they kicked me off!

So some El Dookie fans came up with a couple of suggestions on the book:

  • A Glockwork Orange
  • Pride and Prejudice
  • Colt Mustang .380 operators manual

Colin Kaepernick

Colin Kaepernick, damn, this guy just won’t go away!  I don’t know why this assface even wears a helmet. That afro could stop a bullet. Hell, he is already brain-damaged anyway; what difference does it make?  I guess he wants to protect that big friggin gonzo nose of his.7b1f3a33c58b4fcfbb5cae6c4884f84d

But anyway, Comrade Kaepernick, he is a big fan of Castro.

Education!  Healthcare!  Apartheid!  All the wonderful things Castro is remembered for.

One thing this moron could learn in a Cuban kindergarten: DON’T PROFESS YOUR LOVE FOR CASTRO BEFORE PLAYING A FOOTBALL GAME IN MIAMI

Thank God San Francisco isn’t going to make the playoffs.  I don’t think I can take another 4 weeks of the regular season with this asshole!

And what’s with all the Malcom X bullshit this guy is wearing.  The only X I want associated with him is EX-football player!

Johnny Manziel

Next on my list of quarterbacks I hate is Manziel.  Ole Johnny Douchebag!

usa-today-8908767-0This guy is so screwed in the NFL, he couldn’t get a job cutting the grass on a practice field.  Hell, he couldn’t get a job trimming Roger Goodell’s butt pubes.

Now he is accused of breaking some bartender’s nose in Austin.  The bartender is suing him for between $200,000 to $1 million in damages.  I hope he gets it!  That should take a chunk out of the money this dude hasn’t blown yet.

It’s a shame that bonfire at A&M didn’t collapse on this asshole

Luke Shittalker

Ok, I’m in a predicament!  I may be done with Star Wars.  At the minimum, I am going to root for the Dark Side from here on out.

the-killing-joke-will-be-released-in-theaters-for-one-night-onlyThis Mark Hamill, or Luke Shittalker as I now call him, is running his mouth about Trump.  You talk about a has-been!  Haha, man, did you see this asshole in The Force Awakens?  He looked like some homeless bum they found hanging out around the set.  I guess talking shit about The Donald can get you exposure in the media, about as much as Gawker releasing a sex tape of him getting buttfucked by Chewbacca.

But anyway, when asked about Trump’s win in the election, he said that he was: “In total denial.”   I’m in total denial the my former childhood hero looking like a hobo’s taint!

He is also tempted to leave the country after the election.  Don’t leave the country, I want him to leave this fucking galaxy!  I want to see him get his ass back to Tattoinne in under 5 parsecs!

Rosie O’Donnell

What is it going to take for Rosie O’Donnell to pack up her fat ass and hit the road out of here?  If anybody knows, share it with me, PLEASE!

I have had it with this fat slob!   Haha, I have a new name for her!  Wait for it…Wait for it…  MOBY DYKE!   Moby Dyke has complained about Republicans since George W. Bush ran in 2000.  16 years and this lard-ass hasn’t moved yet!  Surely there is a Sea World somewhere that would take her in.  Or let her out, those Japanese whalers would hit the jackpot!

Ok, I am going to be honest here, the night of the Election when Trump made his speech, I thought there was something wrong with Barron too.  And then it hit me; here is a kid that has good parents that make him go to bed early on school nights.  It’s 3 in the morning and he is on a stage with spotlights in his face in front of thousands of people being broadcasted to most of the free world!  Couple that with the fact that his dad just won the presidency of the United States and he’s going to have to go to a new school!  What kid wouldn’t look a little goofy?rosie

So some wannabe quack posted a video saying that Barron Trump is autistic, and Moby Dyke reposted it on Twitter.

Awe man, Rosie O’Donnell, parent extraordinaire!  Didn’t her daughter run away from home a few years ago?  It has to be tough on all those kids, having an adopted mother that’s a beached whale with a fat mouth!

Anyway, the doctor that posted the video and Rosie have since apologized.  Like the Trumps give a shit.  He has a country to run and Melania has to find a new clothing designer.

I will say this about Barron Trump, this kid is going to be a stud!  Seriously, when he gets older, liberals won’t be able to pick up the pussy scraps he leaves behind!

Josh Earnest

20150114-152432-3388I never pass up the opportunity to make fun of Press Secretary Josh Earnest.  I hate this guy!  Seriously, he lies for a living for someone else who lies for a living!

Haha, Well Josh, if you bang your wife 804 more times you will have matched the standard set by the FedEx delivery driver in your neighborhood!

Like it or not, Trump saved 1,000 jobsHaha, these jobs Josh is bragging about, he is full of shit!  Obama and team manipulate numbers worse than anybody I have ever seen.  He may have created a million new jobs, but 10 million lost theirs!  10 million people may have signed up for Obamacare, but 30 million had to get out.  A million people may have got turned back at the border, but 10 million got through!  We have to look at the net change here!

Anyway, I can’t wait to see what Josh does next, considering he is about to be unemployed soon.  I hope his wife pimps him out.  Seriously, I hope he advertises his asshole on backpage.com to pay his rent.

Cow Farts

Man, these environmental fruitcakes in California, they have gone crazy!  Now they are regulating cow farts.  True story, I don’t make this stuff up!  Livestock produces 14.5 percent of all human-induced greenhouse gas emissions.  I guess when I eat chili that makes up the other 86.5 percent!

Well, The State of California has set aside 50 million bucks for methane digesters.  $50 million, no wonder they’re broke out there all the time!  Anyway, these things capture methane from manure in storage tanks and convert the gas into electricity.  That sounds reasonable.  Haha, up until the point where a migrant farm worker lights up a cigarette and get’s blown back to Baja.

Here is how they solve their energy problem in California: they need to put a wind turbine up in front of Governor Jerry Brown’s face.  Hell, he could power half of Sacremento!

Black Santa

There are few certainties in life.  One I can guarantee you is that Santa is a honky!  No seriously, I couldn’t give a shit about Cupid or the Easter Bunny, but Santa is white!

black-santaWell the Mall of America, in Minneapolis, hired a black Santa this year.  I never thought I would see the day!

In all fairness, white people voted for a black president, give a little on this guys; come on, give us Santa!  We’re not asking for much!

I mean seriously, we are trying to get kids to believe in something that’s already questionably realistic, and then you start mix and matching race in there.  Who is going to believe in a black Santa in a lowrider sleigh with 24” Daytons pumping Jingle Bells with the bass turned up?

What’s next, a gay Santa?  Some hipster with a neatly trimmed beard, a slim fit Santa suit, and a bunch of twinky elves running around.  OH HELL NO!

Or Pancho Clause, an out of work old Mexican man with a Pablo Escobar mustache, zipping around the world in a beat-up Chevy with a wheelbarrow in the back, wearing concrete boots.  NO!

White people are down to Santa Clause, that’s all we got left!  He’s efficient, he’s on time, he doesn’t complain, let him do his thing!

Flag Burning

You know what drives me nuts, it’s all these fruitcakes burning the US flag.  I don’t really consider that free speech.  Saying that Mark Hamill is hung like Yoda, now that’s free speech!  Burning a flag is arson!

I read an article where some country makes all their flags with non-flammable fibers.  Their people find it oppressive.  Haha, I say we make the US flag out of explosive fibers!  Haha, go ahead fuckstick, light that baby up!  How many liberals getting disfigured with 3rd. degree burns would it take for them to get the message?

My other problem with this flag burning business is that the same people that think it’s ok to burn Old Glory, they don’t want the Confederate Flag flown either.  They have a serious problem with free speech, I wish they would make up their minds!  They are a bunch of flag Nazis!

You know, there are members of congress that have gay pride flags outside their office door on Capitol Hill.  I dare you to go light one of those up and see what happens.  These liberals, they make me want to puke!  All of these freedoms they believe in, it’s only for their ideas!

Well Donald Trump said their should be a penalty for burning The Stars and Strips. Possible jail time or loss of citizenship.  Jail time, nahh.  Kick them the Hell out!  Let them go burn a Mexican flag and see how that turns out for them.  I know from experience!  I ripped a piece off of a Mexican flag to make a headband once.  Haha, who would have thought there were that many Mexican patriots south of the border?  Besides, we are going to run out of jail space if this pizzagate thing come true, anyway.

I think that assault and battery should be considered free speech, in the context of arson.  You take some salty old World War 2 veteran that spent his 18th. Birthday on the beach at Normandy and put him up against some snowflake punk trying to light up a flag and take a selfie at the same time.  Haha, it wouldn’t even be fair! 





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