The El Dookie Show 11/26/2016
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You are now connected to The El Dookie Show! It’s Saturday November 26th. Hey, I say what everybody else is thinking!
Wow, the countdown to Christmas is on! Another Thanksgiving down the tubes. The only holiday out there based around food that I don’t eat. I haven’t eaten turkey since 1980 when I barfed up my guts in kindergarten after a cafeteria lady threw down a slab of dark meat covered in some gelatinous mystery fluid. And all that other stuff that goes with turkey, I don’t eat it either; that leaves me with brown and serve rolls, unless I prepare my own culinary masterpiece! And what’s up with this Black Friday business? Could we come up with a term that is a little less racist? I mean seriously, I’m surprised nobody has rioted over this yet. Oh wait, have you seen the inside of a Wal-Mart around noon on Friday?
Well, they are still counting votes and Hillary is about 1.7 million ahead. Now there is chatter that she is going to contest the whole election. That’s funny, this all comes out the day that Donald Trump said he wasn’t going to investigate her bathroom server. Maybe Trump needs to start chanting ‘LOCK HER UP’, again! She will spazz out like an epileptic at strobelight convention, and that will be the end of it. What the Hell are they going to contest anyway? Did some dead person accidentally vote for Trump because they are technically illiterate and probably a little carsick from that bus ride across the state line? Well Jill Stein started a gofundme page to raise money to contest the election. I guess she wants a recount in the states that Harambe beat her in. When is Gary Johnson going to demand a recount? He got beat by Deez Nuts, and he is just a kid! I think there are still idiots counting chads down in Florida. They even dumped a 3-ring hole punch into the mix and Bush is still winning!
Obama pardoned two turkeys on Wednesday, not to mention the sentences of another 790 jive-turkeys he commuted. You know, people who were peddling crack on our streets.
Well it has been 17 days and I have yet to see a single celebrity move out of the country. What’s the matter assholes? You need help packing? I’ll bring the tape and the boxes! I am going to keep shitposting on all cylinders until tI get somebody to move!
Trump is barely into the vetting process and everyone is already screaming that he doesn’t have enough blacks and women in his cabinet. That’s about all Obama hired, how did that work out for the country? Jeh Johnson, Loretta Lynch, stellar picks!
You can also follow all my shenanigans on Twitter, instagram, Facebook, YouTube; all that stuff. Just search for El Dookie. I am the only real one out there! There are tons of imposters, but nobody can shit in a kitty litter box like me!
If you haven’t bought your copy of Crimes Against Humanity: Memoirs of El Dookie, what are you waiting on?
For a fraction of the cost of Elizabeth Warren’s Thanksgiving costume, you can read about the sickest, most perverse actions ever taken on the human race. And I did them all! Booze, sex, bodily functions, the destruction of random property; why wouldn’t you buy it! If it is not your cup of tea, buy it anyway. Go live your life vicariously through someone as sick and twisted as me! It’s on iTunes, Amazon, Barnes and Noble; all that stuff! It even has pictures for proof!
Now that the election is finally over, I better get started on the paperback version. I am going to donate copies to the starving children in Haiti! Hey, it’s the though that counts! It’s more than the Clinton Foundation has ever done for them!
Medal of Freedom
Well, I sat through that whole Presidential Medal of Freedom ceremony the other day. That was complete waste of my daily afternoon television viewing time. What a melting pot of liberal fuckups:
- Bill Gates—Thanks to Windows 95, when I was in college I had to retype an entire term paper that I was copying off of somebody else because my computer crashed!
- Michael Jordan—Thanks asshole. You really did it. I can’t get a decent pair of sneakers for under a hundred bucks now!
- Robert Deniro—Why is he there? Aside from threatening to punch Trump in the face, what has he done, besides ruining 3 Focker movies?
- Kareem Abdul-Jabbar—Quite possibly the skinniest Muslim black man I have ever seen. Seriously, he looks sick! I think Magic Johnson gave him the AIDS!
- Bruce Springsteen—The Boss. The boss of what?
- Tom Hanks—Seriously, this guy made gay love to a volleyball on a deserted island.
- Robert Redford—Now there was a real treat seeing him there. This guy looks like an over-inflated sex doll, with a bad hair piece.
- And finally, you got a weeping Ellen DeGeneres. Ellen almost didn’t make it into the Whitehouse—true story! She forgot an I.D. I’m calling bullshit on that though, the Secret Service probably thought some little boy was trying to sneak in with some old lady’s driver’s license.
Stan Van Gundy
Well, Detroit Pistons’ coach Stan Van Gundy, this guy looks like an out of work used car salesman. Seriously he looks like a total fucking slob!
I guess living in Detroit and being a coach most of his life has given him a pretty good pulse on America.
Here is what he told his players: “Strike, Until Racist Trump Is Kicked Out Of Obama’s House”
Someone explain to me how this is Obama’s House?
Nothing would bring me greater pleasure than seeing this guy get fired because the seats are empty at a Pistons’ game. Think about it, a large portion of their fans voted for Trump. Why don’t the fans strike? This guy would look funny making nachos at the snack bar. Or better yet cleaning up the puke from a drunk Trump fan in the restroom.
Well Donald Trump isn’t a big fan of Saturday Night Live; just another thing we have in common. I have to agree. I have probably spent less than 30-minutes of my life watching SNL. I have enjoyed my Saturday nights being filled with drunken debauchery; why would I want to watch a bunch of crappy comedy skits?
Anyway, besides hating everyone else on the show, I really despise Pete Davidson. I guess it all goes back to him calling Ann Coulter a cunt on the Rob Lowe Roast. Yeah, I can hold a grudge! This is a guy that couldn’t get laid on Saturday night so he joined a show.
Ummm, I am going to go out on the skinny limbs here and say that you are not funny, Pete Davidson. Studios have a light that remind people to laugh, because of dipshits like this. They actually pay this dumb ass a sum of money to be on this show, and not just for being Alec Baldwin’s fluffer.
Trump tweeted that the show is biased and not funny. And that prompted Pete Davidson to say “Never been more proud. Fuck you bitch.” Haha, wow, snappy comeback there Pete. Did you write that all by yourself?
Models aren’t typically know for their humor, except in the case of Hansel and Derek Zoolander. And they are certainly not remembered for their brains either; look at a runway, you walk forward and turn left. They make it simple for these idiots!
So why the American Music Awards would let a moron go on stage an attempt comedy is beyond me. Listen to Gigi Hadid:
Ok, ok, I have to admit, she nailed the first part of this! She really did. She lost me at the Obama reference though, and the whole joke went downhill from there.
If I was Melania Trump, I wouldn’t put up with any shit from a Palestinian terrorist. No seriously! I would go after her family! Have you ever seen Gigi’s dad Mohamed? You got to see this fruitcake! He looks like an old gay David Duchovny with AIDS!
Well, celebrities are praying for Kanye. Praying he has the right energy surrounding him during this time. I’m praying that I never see him or his fat-assed wife again. Or more importantly, I’m praying that I never see his step father-in-law dressed in drag on the cover of Vanity Fair!
And where did his support for Trump come from? That was a shocker! Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy he supports Trump now, I just don’t see how it caused a nervous breakdown requiring hospitalization.
I think Kanye is sad because he doesn’t think he can beat Trump in 2020. Seriously, remember when he said he was going to run for President? Haha, he would get more votes than Gary Johnson. Times are changing, it’s time we elect our first black rapper! The first President to sing at his own inauguration.
Criticizer in Chief
I never heard George W. Bush criticize Obama once in 8 years. Or old man Bush criticize anyone either. In fact, Bill Clinton is the only former president I’ve heard talking shit.
That had to be pretty tough for George W. Bush. He sat back while he got blamed by Obama for every problem America had.
Listen to Obama talking in Peru the other day:
What happened to the smooth talking that got him elected? Since Trump has been on the scene, this guy took a turn toward stutter town.
Anyway, I couldn’t care less if Obama criticizes Trump. No really, I want Trump to use his media prowess to destroy Obama. Like daily updates on how he has fixed an Obama problem. I want him to embarrass Obama so bad we never hear from him or his husband ever again!
Last time I checked, isn’t it against the law to hire an illegal alien? By that rationale, shouldn’t our law enforcement agencies be the first to follow the laws and not hire illegal aliens?
Well that’s not the case in Denver. Their Sheriff’s Department got fined $10,000 after the Justice Department found it broke the law by excluding job candidates who were not U.S. citizens. I hope this makes the list of stuff Trump reverses on day one, right after he dumps the contents of a cardboard box into his desk drawer.
Can you imagine getting questioned by a cop that doesn’t speak English? You couldn’t take them seriously. As an American Citizen, I demand that I be arrested by someone that speaks the language. Hey asshole, read me my rights in English!
The donut workers are the ones getting screwed here. They came over from Asia and had to learn English, now they have to learn Spanish to take a fucking donut order from a cop.
It’s is going to be hard for me to get through this next story without shedding some tears, so bear with me.
I never watch CNN, I just watch the comedy highlight reel that comes off of it.
Some anchor named Brooke Baldwin was talking to some fucktard named Charles Kaiser who came out firing on all cylinders about Donald Trump, take a listen:
Yeah, he went there! And poor Brooke, she started crying!
Normally this is where I would make my move, you know, to console a crying woman in an attempt to get into her underpants. Trust me, it works! But not this time!
I don’t know about anybody else, but I have a hard time taking the word NIGGER seriously after Jay-Z did that concert for Hillary. It’s not even a legitimate word anymore. It’s a rap lyric! Sometimes it’s the only two-syllable word in a song! I can’t wait to try to play it on words with friends and see if it even works!
I swear I used almost a whole box of Kleenex after I heard that, actually I just spilled my drink and used them all to clean up.
Nachos for Sex
Well some old ugly hooker got busted by undercover cops for solicitation, possession of criminal tools and promoting prostitution.
Ok, I get the solicitation and promoting prostitution, but what the hell is possession of criminal tools. I am assuming that they are referring to a couple of holes and her flabby tits. Technically speaking I guess they are tools of the trade.
But anyway, that is not the problem with this story, the problem is that she was offering sex for 60 bucks and some nachos! Haha, she was on Backpage, so that explains a lot!
Man, I wouldn’t waste a shitty nacho on this harlot!
I don’t get why a hooker would eat Mexican food anyway before turning tricks? Seriously, have you ever been around a hooker with gas? Me either, but I heard it’s the worst. Especially when she starts cranking bass in the backseat of a shitty car. I’m not even going into what anal would be like!
So some kid in Florida, I use the term kid loosely, he’s actually 20; but he stabbed his father. This wasn’t a disagreement over allowance or a curfew, oh hell no! His dad wanted to circumcise him. Haha, I don’t make this stuff up! And this isn’t the genital mutilation you hear about in the Middle East, this is some honky from South Florida!
I got to say, when you are 20 you should have complete control over your own junk. If your parents pull that “you live under my roof bullshit”, pack up your belongings, gather your foreskin and hit the road Jack.
Anyway the police said this kid has been diagnosed as schizophrenic, bipolar, and autistic. Man, this kid has the entire spectrum covered, so we gotta cut him some slack! No pun intended!
After his dad makes a full recovery, I would like to see him try to circumcise all that extra skin hanging under George Soros’s eyes. Buffalo Bill could make a new suit out of it.
A Connecticut couple is facing charges after police say they engaged in sexual activity in a parked car in front of a 6-year-old boy who was in the back seat. This is a classy looking couple right here, let me tell you. Anyway, this happened in a McDonalds parking lot. This poor kid had to sit in the backseat and watch his mom eat a quarter pounder while she was getting McFucked.
I feel bad for the cops though! They had to witness this slob half naked.
And what about Ronald McDonald, that creepy fucker is going to have to go to therapy now?
You know what drives me nuts, it’s Hollywood redoing all these old movies and changing out the characters. Who the Hell did they think they were fooling making Cedric the Entertainer play Ralph Kramden in the Honeymooners? And now you got Parker Posey playing Dr. Smith on Lost in Space. Why do they feel the need to have a woman play a part that we are already comfortable with a man playing. How hard could it be to find some slimeball in Hollywood to play that part. Or maybe find someone in politics, I think John Podesta would be perfect. He even looks like that rat bastard. They should strap his ass to one of those SpaceX rockets and fire him into outer space. Send him to Mars to scout for a shooting location. You know, ONE WAY!
I guarantee you a bunch of white people aren’t trying to remake Roots. Or what about that fatass redneck, what’s his name? Larry the Cable Guy. Yeah, let Larry the Cable guy play JJ on Good Times.
So the other night I went and watched that new movie Allied. It wasn’t bad. I could have just as easily waited for it to come out on TV and saved about 3 bucks on a box of sweet tarts, but I was hoping to see Brad Pitt’s new squeeze naked. Actually, I want my money back; I just can’t get over that wart in the middle of her forehead! But I digress. Here is my problem with this movie; What the fuck do lesbians have to do with a war/spy movie? NOTHING! But they forced it on us about 5 or 6 times throughout the movie. It had absolutely nothing to do with the plot of a war movie, but some fuckwit in Hollywood is trying to make a LGBT statement at the expense of my $9 ticket that my brother actually paid for, and I doubt will get reimbursed. Seriously, London is getting the shit bombed out of them by the Germans and Lizzy Caplan is making out with some girl at a party. Hell 1941 was a more realistic portrayal of World War 2!
Next time Hollywood tries to bait and switch me into some progressive bullshit, I’m done. I’ll download their shit for free on some pirated software site and make my own $7 watered down coke.
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