Episode 15

The El Dookie Show 11/18/2016

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Protests

Well, these protesters are still going strong.  70% of these idiots didn’t even vote.  Not my President they say.  No shit, Obama is the President you fucktards.  Then you got the illegal aliens protesting, like anybody gives a shit what they think!  Hence the illegal part of illegal alien.  I can’t think of a better use of our border patrol agents than rounding up illegal aliens at a protest for a president they can’t even vote for.  Start thinning them out!  They are waving Mexican flags, they should be easy to spot!

Then you got the cops telling everybody how to wash the tear gas off.  Why the fuck are they telling them this?  Make them suffer.  I have watched too many Black Lives Matter protests over the past year and a half.  We need more tear in our gas.  I am going back to what I said way back when, quit using tear gas and use mustard gas!  That shit will stop a riot!  Some sort of blister agent will do the trick!

I have been waiting for a fleet of ‘Truckers for Trump’ to bust through one of these highway protests.  Or what about monster trucks, yeah, let Grave Digger come barreling through there.  Make it a pay-per-view event!

Then you got all the people threatening to kill Donald Trump.  And they do it on social media where there is a record of it.  That’s one way to keep liberals from voting, when they are in prison for the rest of their life.  Except for Virginia.  Matt Harrigan, the former CEO of some shitty Tech Company said he was going to hit Trump with a sniper rifle on Facebook.  Then he said “Bring it Secret Service!”  Hahaha, They are going to bring it all right, asshole!

Here is my favorite protest story, so some fat ugly Black Lives Matter bitch in Houston punched a police horse.  I saw a police horse get slapped in Austin on 6th street one night.  Let me just say that it didn’t end well for the slapper.  The horse kicked that dude upside down!  But anyway, Shere Dore is facing up to two years in jail.  I think 2 years is a little light for punching poor Astro.  Where does animal cruelty come into play?  Where is PETA at on all this?  They don’t want me wearing a fur coat and eating hamburgers but it is ok for a fellow activist to punch a horse?  I don’t get it.


Gregg Popovich

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Well, I have been done with the Dallas Mavericks for some time, I genuinely hate Mark Cuban’s guts.  So naturally I became a San Antonio Spurs fan.  Hey, it’s a Texas thing!

I don’t know anything about the Houston Rockets, but I’m sure Sheila Jackson Lee is a fan, so count me out!

Well, Spurs coach Gregg Popovich can’t keep his mouth shut, so I guess I‘m done with pro basketball.  He said he is still sick to his stomach after Trump won.  Well shit for brains, if we keep rolling with this movement, you are really going to be sick to your stomach when they fire your ass and you are waiting tables at Mi Tierra!

I don’t get these idiots in the entertainment world.  They are here for our amusement!  Haha, they are like court jesters, they’re fools.  You know what happened to a jester that quit entertaining, The King yelled: “Off with their head!”  I don’t condone chopping heads off, I would rather see these people flat broke, suffering from gonorrhea and selling cell phone accessories from a kiosk at the mall somewhere.


Trump Hotels

The Milwaukee Bucks, Memphis Grizzlies, and Dallas Mavericks refuse to stay at any of the hotels owned by Donald Trump.

I am sure that is good news for Trump.  Who wants these thugs there anyway?

I say we boycott these assholes.  Seriously, let’s put the pain of the US dollar at them!  We hit these fuckers so hard that a Trump Hotel would be out of their budget anyway!  Let’s see how they play after waking up with bed bugs at a Motel 6.


Michelle Obama

Well, The director of some West Virginia development group and the town’s mayor are under fire after a post about Michelle Obama that caused a backlash.  Actually, the mayor was forced to resign.  Which isn’t such a bad thing, considering it’s the poorest county in the nation!

Clay County Development Corp. director Pamela Ramsey Taylor made the following post: “It will be refreshing to have a classy, beautiful, dignified First Lady in the White House. I’m tired of seeing a Ape in heels.”

Then the mayor responded: “Just made my day Pam.”

Haha, when I read that, it made my day too, Pam.  Thanks for sharing!

I think most of the country would rather look at Melania Trump.  That’s obvious!  But these women need to apologize.  They went too far!  That comment was insulting!  They need to apologize to every ape out there.  It is unfair for them to get compared to Michelle Obama.  Seriously, the primates have had a tough year, Harambe and now this!  Poor monkeys!

On a side note, I’ve watched about a dozen videos about Michelle Obama, some by doctors, and they all think that she is really a he.  The Adams apple, the shoulders, the irregular sized fingers, oh, and she is sporting moose knuckle most of the time.  Either she has a dick or she has a clitoris the size of a midget cock.


Jesse Jackson

Well, Hillary is bringing out the heavy hitters to try to keep her out of prison.

This dude loves to use big words, you have to carry around a dictionary when this idiot talks.  Half of it doesn’t even make sense though.

Anyway, I don’t get these people that want Hillary pardoned.  They are the ones that have been screaming that she is innocent this whole time.  Why the Hell would you pardon an innocent woman?

I don’t get it.

I do want to see her in handcuffs though.  And I’m not talking about the pink fuzzy ones in Huma Abedin’s nightstand either.  That should keep the meme makers busy for a lifetime!


Benjamin Netanyahu

This country has about one or two decent allies left on this planet.  Obama has done everything in his power to screw with Israel.  Think about it, Israel is surrounded by countries that want to kill Jews.  And those countries are surrounded by countries that want to kill Jews.  And then you got everybody else that doesn’t give a shit.  Some day it’s going to come down to Christians vs. Muslims; who do you want on your team?

Well Benjamin Netanyahu was one of the first to call and congratulate Trump.

I got to tell you, I slept like a baby after Trump won the other night.  Can you imagine how Netanyahu slept?  Probably the first decent night’s rest he has gotten in eight years!

I will be the first to tell you that I am pro-Israel.  I want to get that out of the way, just in case I am being considered for a cabinet post.  Seriously, I am circumcised and I have access to a Yamika if I need one.  I’m the real deal!


Sherriff David Clarke

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I have always liked Sheriff David Clarke.  He just has that look on his face, you know, he looks like he doesn’t put up with anybody’s shit.  I guess that is the look you need if you are Sheriff in somewhere like Milwaukee.

Well there has been talk about him having a position within the Trump Administration.  I think it is a good call.  He won’t get that position because he donated money, he will get it because he is tough!  And we need tough right now!

A terrorist?  Haha.  This guy is trying to keep the peace in a city full of terrorists. I have to say, in all my world travels, when you see a black man wearing a cowboy hat, he means business.  Sheriff David Clarke is no different!   He is like Leroy Rogers!

I hate to break it to Angela Rye, Angela Rye-tard is more like it.  Trump doesn’t want progressive ideas in his administration!  Apparently neither does half of this country!


Lena Dunham

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Somebody help Lena Dunham pack already.  Or not pack, just get the fuck out of this country!

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why this ugly bitch is even relevant in this society.  She is not just another celebrity running her mouth, she is a rape hoaxer.  Let me give you the background on this lard-ass.  She almost ruined some guy’s life by saying he raped her in college.  Her whole marketing strategy for her autobiography was based on this.  Finally after four months she came out and said she made it up.  This ugly cunt couldn’t get laid in college so she had to make up a rape.  And some guy that didn’t even know her took the heat for months.  This guy should have sued the living shit out of her!

As if this fucktard has any say in anything, now she is leaving voicemails for Paul Ryan.

All these liberals are upset about Trump picking Steve Bannon to be his Special Counsel.  They are all whining about him and Breitbart News being anti-Semite.  Give me a fucking break, these are the most pro-Israel people I have ever seen in my life.  You notice that these assholes don’t complain about Muslim Keith Ellison possibly taking over the DNC.  You know, because Muslims love Jews so much.  The worst part of this is that Bannon is replacing John Podesta, one of the top 3 of the biggest shit-bags on this planet.  How come they aren’t calling on Obama to fire him.  WikiLeaks dumped 50,000 of this guy’s emails.  This is the guy that said Hillary smells like piss and farts!


Sorority

I have always been a big fan of hazing.  Not so much the crazy dangerous stuff, but for other things I can’t reveal.  It is certainly frowned upon and I have heard rumors going around that it is actually illegal.  Who would have thunk it?

Police arrived at an off-campus sorority house occupied by sisters of Alpha Omicron Pi and they were feeding pledges mud, garbage, and they were pouring fowl smelling liquids on the women.

This sorority doesn’t even have any affiliation with the university and their national HQ said that the chapter is closed.

I guess these idiots didn’t get the memo!

After looking at pictures of this hodge-podge group, no wonder they got kicked out.

All that diversity, how did that work out for them?

Their composite must be cool, it’s all mug shot photos.

I wonder if they need a chapter adviser?

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Kent State

Kent State University is turning Hillary Clinton’s life into a lesson with a new class.

The course is titled “Hillary Clinton Case Study: Perspectives on Gender and Power,”  It is being taught by the director of the school’s women’s studies program.  Haha, she sounds fun!

Well that should be one Hell of a class.  The first day just pass out the syllabus and spend 5 minutes talking about the 1 or 2 accomplishments that anybody could dig up and that’s it.  You can spend the rest of the semester streaking through the Quad and the gymnasium!

Their law school should have a class called “Hillary Clinton Case Study: Untangling 30 Years of Bullshit!”

Their computer science program should have a class called “Hillary Clinton Case Study: Finding 35,000 deleted emails”

Their medical school should have a class called “Hillary Clinton Case Study: WTF is up with her eyes”

Their business school should have a class called “Hillary Clinton Case Study: How to lose $700,000 bucks giving speeches”

And finally, their architecture school should have a class called “Hillary Clinton Case Study: Collapsing the House of Cards, from a structural standpoint”


Chopstick

What do most people do when they have blood in their urine?  Well, they sit in agonizing pain, but eventually they go to the doctor when the pain gets worse than the embarrassment.

So some moron in China had blood in his urine so he did a little medical procedure on his own.  He shoved a chopstick up his own dickhole!  Haha, because that sounds reasonable.  This guy probably works in a factory that makes rubber dog shit and now he thinks he can diagnosis himself with eating utensils.

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Well the doctors had to surgically remove it.  Why surgically?  These people bust cinderblocks with their foreheads and they can’t yank a chopstick out of a guy’s pecker.  Haha, And they say Asians are more efficient.  Seriously, have you ever seen Chinese cock; how far could it go in there?  Two inches tops!

My only question is what the hell did he shove up there in the first place to make it bleed?  You know what, I don’t even want to know.  But I do wonder what he would shove up his ass if he had a hemorrhoid?

On a side note, you know there is a whole sick species of people out there that do this, It’s called cock stuffing, or technically speaking, sounding.  They shove stuff up there pee-hole.  I am getting a dickache just thinking about it.


Drone

So when you think your wife is cheating, what do you do?  Fire up your drone and follow her, obviously.

So this guy does just that and busts his wife in a CVS parking lot with some random dude.  Here are the highlights:

I was a little disappointed with it, I wanted to see intercourse.  I wanted to see this guy’s wife getting banged silly while he is sitting on his couch helpless.  Or I wanted to see a Hellfire missile come off this thing and kill everyone involved.

I am not a marriage counselor by any means, but I have spent a few hours on a couch with a couple of them over the years.  I have some advice for this dude, put down the toys and go fuck your wife!


WiFi

A new study has found that 40% of people now view WiFi as their number one human luxury.  With sex coming in at 36% and booze at 14.  Haha, man,that better be some high-speed fiber optic shit!  Let me break this study down in simple terms; it’s because 40% of the world in unfuckable!  Have you seen the general population out there, it’s scary!  You take manbuns and skinny jeans out of the equation and you might close that gap!  Half of the dudes walking around out there would get dumped halfway through a 1-minute speed date.  And some of these women aren’t helping us out either!  What’s with that rainbow-colored hair?  They look like a unicorn took a shit on top of their head!

Maybe we need to go back to dial-up.  Let that jackoff session build up overnight, while we wait for a low resolution 30-second porn clip to download.


Fast Food Workers

You know what drives me nuts, Fast food workers wanting 15 bucks an hour!  These idiots can’t remember to put napkins in a bag!  You can always spot a fast food worker on his first day at McDonalds.  They park in the spot closest to the front door.  Haha, seriously, let a couple hundred customers walk an extra 15-feet around that jalopy they pulled up in!

I guess they view an entry-level job as a career move.  What’s next for them as a fast food worker, 50K a year and stock options?  I say fire them all and replace them with kiosks.  Who better to fuck up your order than yourself.  It would be a customer service wet dream!  Think about it, you got some asshole complaining about onions on his hamburger.  The manager could solve it in two seconds: “Hey asshole, here is your biometric fingerprint from you right index finger on the box that said extra onions.  Now pop a tic tac and get your onion breath the fuck out of my store!”

It’s win win for everybody.  No more language barriers!  I seriously though about taking an online Ebonics course so I could order a fucking BigMac and still get my fries with it.


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