Episode 14

The El Dookie Show 11/10/2016

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You are now connected to The El Dookie Show!  It’s Friday November 10th.

Well guess what?  We did it!  We hit the trifecta of elections!  Anthony Weiner saved the United States!   And you thought he could only screw up his own campaign!  This guy is a hero!  He made my dream of 16 years  come true!  Watching Hillary make a concession speech.  I think it actually gave me a boner.  Not a full blown boner, but probably a semi.  Ok, I was probably about 40% hard.  The day Trump kicks that black family out of government housing, I will have a blue-vein throbber!

They say we shouldn’t gloat.  Yeah right!  I’m just getting started!  Donald Trump started this movement, but I’m going to roll with it!  My 1st. Amendment has been restored and I’m not going to take it for granted!  The liberals got outsmarted this time but they are plotting and planning against us right now.  We have to stay on the offensive or this was all for nothing!

In the last few days, I have never seen so many fucking idiots in my life.  It’s like somebody opened up a floodgate!  We got people laying in their own piss on in a fetal position, crying their eyes out!

Colleges are cancelling classes.  They’re bringing in therapy dogs for these dipshits.  Now who’s going to scoop up all the dog shit all over campus?  The fucking dogs are going need therapy when this is all done!

Then you got these morons in San Francisco that want to secede now.  You know what, fuck it, let them go.  The other 49 states can divvy up the the 3 million that voted for Trump.  Let the Hollywood elites foot the bill for the other 35 million retards out there.  And what does California bring to the table anyway, besides their 488 billion in debt?  Movies?  TV?  Porn?  Fuck em, we’ll still be able to download all that shit for free after they’re gone.

Now we got idiots protesting all over the place.  Hey, the rest of us were vomiting up our guts 8 years ago.  But we wiped the puke off of our chins and we went back to work.  Somebody had to pay for all their welfare benefits!

And finally the celebrities!  I am going to have some fun with them.  23 said they were leaving the country, but I haven’t seen one moving truck being loaded up yet.  Well they better start packing!  Because I am going to make their lives a living Hell.  I am about to dig deep down into my El Dookie bag of tricks.  I’m talking about sick and twisted shit!  I am going to fuck with these people so hard that they’re going to vote for Trump in 4 years, just so I’ll leave them alone!

I’m telling you, these people are making us look like pussies to the rest of the world.  I’m surprised Switzerland hasn’t invaded us by now.

You can also follow all my shenanigans on twitter, instagram, facebook, youtube; all that stuff.  Just search for El Dookie.  I am the only real one out there!  There are tons of imposters, but nobody fucks with people like I do.

If you haven’t bought your copy of Crimes Against Humanity: Memoirs of El Dookie, what are you waiting on?

For a fraction of the cost of what Hillary paid for each vote, you can read about the sickest, most perverse actions ever taken on the human race.  All of it done by me!  Booze, sex, bodily functions, the destruction of property; why wouldn’t you buy it!   If it is not your cup of tea, buy it anyway.  Go live your life vicariously through someone as sick and twisted as me!  Its on iTunes, Amazon, Barnes and Noble; all that stuff!  It even has pictures for proof!

Now that the election is finally over, I better get started on the paperback version. I am going to donate copies to every junior high library in San Francisco.  No seriously, somebody has to save these kids!

I am going to start more outreach to college kids.  This is where our problems are starting.  If Halloween costumes scare the hell out of the other students, then wear them every fucking day!  And what the fuck is a safe space anyway.  You know what my safe space was in college, strip clubs!  Drinking beer with my fraternity brothers.  Shitting in swimming pools!  Stealing newspaper machines!  I made the rest of the world want to go hide in a safe space.

Nobody brought me donuts when Bill Clinton got elected in 1996.  Hell no, me and my roommates went to the strip in Lubbock Texas and bought a fresh keg.  And we didn’t miss class the next day because we were too upset, we missed class because we were too hungover!  Yeah, the puke, the piss, the fetal positions; that was us but for a different reason.

We have to Make America Great Again, and that starts with Making College Fun Again.

I’m not done with Colin Kaepernick yet!  And neither is this country.  You know what, I’m just getting started.  This piece of shit didn’t even vote.  He runs his mouth, but doesn’t vote.  I am ready for someone to Bobby Bouche this asshole on the football field!

Haha, Lucky to be in this league right now.  Hell, he is lucky to be on this earth right now!  He is on his knee, surrounded by trained killers from our military.  He has my vote to move to Canada.  It’s perfect, they have their own own football league up there.  I’m sure some team up there they needs a new waterboy!

Roger Goodell, this guy has destroyed the NFL!  He said that he is struggling to explain Trump’s victory to the women in his family.  Well Roger, how are you struggling to explain Colin Kaepernick to the rest of the country.  To be honest, the only thing I want explained to me is how the Cowboys lost to the Giants in week 1.

This week has been pretty slow in politics, not a lot has happened, except the Clinton Machine getting throttled in an election.

I keep waiting for most of the media to commit suicide over this.  Just like Wall Street did during the great depression.  Come on assholes, JUMP!

I have never watched Rachel Maddow in my life.  Who would have thought that Justin Bieber had a twin brother that was an anchor on MSNBC.  Yeah Rachel, this is our world!  And I am loving it!

Martha Raddatz, remember that wicked witch from the second debate?

Well Martha, that creepy-ass Kaine was running for office, what the fuck did you think he was going to say?

Now the liberals are concerned with our military all of the sudden!  We hear about the black vote, the hispanic vote, the millennial vote, the female vote; What about the military vote?  I want to see an exit poll on them!  If the media spent a fraction of the time talking about them instead of the Cubans in Miami, we may have a better finger on the pulse of this country!

Al Sharpton, race-baiter extraordinaire.  What a piece of shit this guy is!

George Wallace?  This guy is the George Wallace of the black world!  There is only one difference, George Wallace apologized for his views!  Anyway, why isn’t Al Sharpton packing yet.  He is one of the asshole that was suppose to move this week.  There is something I want him to do before he leaves, pay his fucking taxes!  He owes us 5 million bucks, and he thinks he should have a voice!

Van Jones, remember this idiot? He served as Obama’s Special Advisor for Green Jobs, Enterprise and Innovation.  Good work asshole!  You really saved the country with your work!

Afraid of breakfast?  How the Hell are you afraid of breakfast?  I was scared of breakfast once, I had a new box of cereal and I was almost out of milk  Now that’s a scary breakfast asshole!   Well Van, if your friends are Muslim terrorists, they should leave the country.  If they want Sharia Law in the US, they should leave the country.  Families of immigrant are scared.  They should be, if they came into this country illegally, they should be scared!  They broke the fucking law.  You are an attorney asshole, you should know this better than anyone!

I’m so sick of celebrities, a handful of these worthless sacks think they are the voice of America.  I am about to post a list of them on eldookie.com along with their schedules, the products they endorse, all of it.  They have the right to vote for whoever, but the rest of us have the right to spend our entertainment dollar wherever.  They get the most media attention, but who is keeping them in the lap of luxury, WE ARE!  I am starting a boycott movement on these assholes!

I am starting with Amy Schumer.  I am so sick of this fat cunt.  She needs to be packing right now!

You got lady Gaga hanging out on a garbage truck, Somebody knock her ass in it!

Miley Cyrus, listen to this sniveling slit:

Hillary deserves to be president because she has worked so hard.  She has been campaigning for thirty fucking years!  I am so glad that you have accepted Donald Trump.  And I’m sure he is too, I mean seriously, what’s better than having Hannah Montana’s on your team?

I have never used GrubHub, and quite frankly I didn’t even know what it was until yesterday.  But this asshole CEO, Matt Maloney, told his employees that if they supported Donald Trump, they should resign.  Well guess what, when I’m hungry, I want food now!  So if this asshole thinks for a second that I am going to order something from him, he’s fucking nuts!

I am not just going after liberals here, I am going after those in my party too.  John Kasich, remember that pancake stuffing asshole.  Remember the National Review Gang of 22.  I always liked Dana Loesch.  She is as pro 2nd Amendment as you can get.  But I would drink out of Hillary’s urinalysis before I ever take a sip of Super Beets!  This shit works two ways!

Ok, enough politics for a while.

Let’s move on to more important stuff like the new sex park in Brazil.   Erotica Land.

The whole park is designed around sexual organs and activities:

  • It’s got Aphrodisiac inspired snacks and food.
  • Nudist swimming pools, sex shops, a theatre.
  • All of this for a 100 bucks and you can’t fuck in the park!

What’s the point?

Is there anyone more annoying than Russel Brand?  Well actually yes.  This dude and his significant other just had a baby girl but they are bringing her up as gender neutral.   So why in the Hell did he mention that she was a girl.  Doesn’t that defeat the point?  God I feel sorry for this kid!  This kid is going to grow up in some fucked up progressive agenda and have no say about it.  If this is being pushed on her as a child, can you only imagine what she is going to be pushing in 30 years?   Heaven Help us

You know what drives me nuts, Lottery tickets!

Not the tickets themselves, but the idiots that buy them.  The regular lotto has a pretty good system going, you go fill them out on your own time and just hand them to the clerk when you are ready to make the transaction.  It’s simple!  But not these scratch-offs though!  FUCK NO!  We gotta have 50 different options!  So you got some asshole spending his last 20 bucks, why shouldn’t he have a wide variety to blow it on.  But they stand at the register and contemplate their choices, What difference does it make?  Just pick one, come on!  But these fuckers they slow roll it.  They order one at a time.  While the chick goes back to get another one, they scratch one off real quick.  “Huh, I won 5 bucks, here give me a $5 Wild cash bonanza”   They try to to turn this into perpetual motion.  Everybody in line is standing there wondering how they are going to climb over this pile of gray shit to get to the register, when this is all over with!  So they make their last purchase.  They are literally scratching this fucker off while somebody is holding the door open for them.  So they lose and they throw it on the ground.


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