I hope this message finds you in that sex rehab center you are hiding in. You can’t hide forever though; if an operative within the Democratic Party doesn’t commit your suicide, the law may be after you soon enough. As much as I despise you and your actions, I have to give credit where credit is due. YOU SAVED THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! In a million years, I would have never thought that a scumbag, such as yourself, could have brought down a campaign that was thirty years in the making. Billions of dollars have been spent on the Clinton Machine and you erased it with a cellphone and a laptop. You stopped the most corrupt political machine ever launched against the American people with a picture of you and your tighty whiteys. Well done!
I am unsure how our country can repay our debt to you. I don’t believe that the naturally occuring granite batholith of Mount Rushmore can structurally support the square footage required to accurately re-create your nose. Replacing Abraham Lincoln on the penny might cause pandemonium around the the country because it would incorrectly suggest your human worth as one-cent. Selfie Day has already been taken, as well as Hot Dog Day. I would suggest that the country just forget about you, your resignation from Congress and that solid 4.9% of the vote you got in the race for Mayor of New York City. I will always hold a special place for you in my heart though; the memes, the jokes, you actually made this election cycle bearable for most.
In conclusion, thanks man, you did it. LONG LIVE CARLOS DANGER!
Sixty Million Voters