The El Dookie Show 11/4/2016
Making Fun of People
I make fun of a lot of people on here. I make fun of a lot of people off of here, too. But I only do it to people that need it. I have perfected the art of being an asshole. I have had lots of practice through the years. I have learned from some of the best out there. It’s like a sixth sense!
So when I finish up a show I upload short clips to an app called Clammr. Check it out! Anyway, when I make fun of someone, I tweet the Clammr to them and a note saying Congratulations, you were mentioned on the El Dookie Show. Most of the time I get blocked. Half of Congress has blocked me on Twitter, but that’s ok, there is an election next week; I’ll have some fresh meat!
So last week I did a story on the 20 year-old that is auctioning off her virginity at the Kit Kat Ranch in Nevada. Someone is going to break off a piece in her Kit Kat, I guarantee it! Well, she is not a big fan of yours truly, that’s for sure. Basically, I asked how does someone stay a virgin when they work in a whorehouse. It’s a solid question, right? I might of also mentioned that she didn’t look like she was worth 400,000 bucks. She is definitely worth more than $40 though. Listen to what she tweeted me: I decided to try working as a legal sex worker and you decided to become an arrogant and ignorant prick. Haha, El Dookie summed up in 140 characters or less! I love it! I just got called out by someone that works in one of the nekkid professions:
I am no Judge Judy when it comes to sex workers, a large portion of my book is dedicated to varying degrees of hooker shenanigans. But when you pull a stunt like she did, you’re going to get some backlash. I think she is doing a noble thing. She is using the money from the auction to buy a house for her parents, who lost their home in a fire. And what she is doing is legal! What could go wrong? I do wish her the best of luck though! I hope she turns this thing into a 3-way and doubles her money! And I hope there is a line waiting outside for sloppy seconds! Oh, and I wonder if she takes personal checks?
Dildo on the Field
Well, there was a dildo on the football field, and I’m not talking about Colin Kaepernick either. In the Patriots-Bills game, somebody tossed one in to the end zone. That by itself is funny. But when the referee wouldn’t pick it up with his hands, then it really got funny. He just kept trying to kick it out of bounds. I’m not saying I would have picked it up, or gone anywhere near it, but you got to get it off the field. There are ball boys on the sideline, right? Sounds like a perfect job for them. Cock and balls boys, that is their new official title. Sounds like a good job for someone that kneels during the National Anthem.
Now who would do something like this. Seriously! Going into a sex shop to buy a dildo has to be embarrassing. Why would you waste it? What happens when you order another one online and the box gets busted in shipping. You’re standing in line at the post office with your yellow card and boom, the postman dumps it out on the counter. Why risk it?
Well I re-did the video of this, but I put Anthony Weiner’s head on there. Dildo/weiner, what’s the difference:
Well, the Cubs won the World Series. If that game would have went any longer, I was about to commit Harry Carey.
108 years without winning a pennant. A long legacy of losing. Have you ever seen so many Cubs fans all the sudden in your life? I swear to me, most of my friends on Facebook have been the Cub’s most loyal fans for the last 108 years! Like they were sitting in the bleachers when that dude brought in that goat in 1945.
I was actually torn on this World Series, I didn’t want Chicago to win because of Obama and I didn’t want Cleveland to win because of John Kasich. That’s why I binge watched The Golden Girls during the first six games, but in the end, I was pulling for Chicago.
My biggest question is why is Bill Murray all over this World Series? Is this guy even relevant anymore? I quit looking at The Chive because his face is plastered all over everything on there. Come on man, Caddyshack was 36 years ago! I will give him Stripes and Ghostbusters 1 in the 1980’s. Quick Change, in 1990, is one of the funniest B-movies ever made. Which leaves us with Groundhog Day in 1993; basically what I am getting at is that he hasn’t done shit in 23 years except wear goofy costumes at PGA events.
My biggest problem with The World Series is that NBC had a re-run of Law & Order SVU on. FUCKERS!
The other day I watched Weiner. Wait, that didn’t come out right! I watched the documentary about Anthony Weiner, called Weiner. It was actually pretty good. You can get a better handle on how much of a scumbag this guy is, if you didn’t already know. Yeah, he is a real scumbag all right!
This Anthony Weiner is like trying to get rid of a bad case of herpes simplex 7. You try to hide him, but he just keeps coming back, over and over! Not in a million years would I have guessed that this ass-hat would bring down the entire Clinton Machine over sexting with a 15-year-old. This idiot may have just singlehandedly saved the United States of America. That’s painful for me to say, but it’s true! Hopefully he will be getting gang-raped in prison soon, so I don’t expect to see him taking any victory laps. Do you ever notice that every time he is mentioned on the news, he is always referred to as ‘Disgraced Former Congressman Anthony Weiner.’
Here is what I want from Anthony Weiner before he leaves us. I am going to send him a clone-a-willy kit, you know, that thing you make a silicone dildo out of your dick? But I want him to make a mold of his nose. This dude has the biggest nose in the Democratic Party. His flared nostrils look like nuts! Doctors probably tried to circumcised that thing when he was born! That picture of his bulged tighty whiteys he sexted to some chick, I’m not so sure that those undies weren’t on his head.
So a restaurant outside of Houston has changed it’s name to Trump Café. Good for them! If I ever find myself in Bellville, I’ll grab a bite. I will probably park down the street though, you know, so some tolerant liberal doesn’t slit my tires! Their menu takes on a fresh perspective on old favorites. A Trump themed hamburger and chicken fried steak.
If I had a Trump themed restaurant, it would be a buffet. All you can eat for one low price! Here is what I would serve:
- Donald Trump steak finger basket, they are little, so it’s just an appetizer
- An Anthony Weiner Hot Dog, it’s actually a Vienna Sausage in a big-assed bun
- Or if you are hungry a Comey Island Dog, hey, James Comey is 6’8, what did you expect?
- The Hillary Frito Pie, except there are no Fritos, it’s just chili served in a Depends undergarment
- Gary Johnson Lemonade, it’s bright yellow just like his drug test urinalysis. It comes in a clear cup for Eric Trump!
- The 36DD Melania chicken breast sandwich. Hey, do you need an explanation?
- The Huma Abedin grilled pork chop plate, garnished in bacon fat. It’s a popular item among the Saudi Spy clientele.
- The Barack Obama Jive Turkey Club. This fucker struts itself out to your table.
- The Harry Reid bowl of black-eyed peas
- The Bernie Sanders blackened catfish filet, its Berned and it’s spineless.
- The Tim Kaine tossed salad
- And for dessert, the Bill Clinton DNA cinnamon roll with extra glazed frosting
If you have ever seen Sid Miller on Fox News, you will remember his redneck ass. Just look for the goofy cowboy hat and the goofy Texas accent. He looks like the kind of guy that would wear a bolo tie in public. But he is my Texas Agriculture Commissioner and he hates Hillary Clinton, so he has got to be a decent guy after all.
Well, Sid Miller, or a staffer, or some hacker tweeted that Hillary is a cunt. Yeah, you heard me! Governor Greg Abbott said this: “The language is reprehensible and it is an embarrassment. No true Texas gentleman would ever talk this way.” Oh really, Greg Abbott wouldn’t call Hillary a cunt if she let the air out of his wheelchair tires? Well I’m not embarrassed by it! I am from Texas, but there is some gray area in the whole gentleman thing! Anyway, I would have left it up there! I would have blamed it on the Russians like everyone else is doing these days! Yeah, Vladimir Putin changed my password, what’s a redneck to do?
Why in the Hell do people let someone else tweet for them? That’s like giving your Facebook password to your wife. Nothing good is coming out of it! And it takes away from the whole concept of social media. I really don’t care what your employee thinks that you are thinking. Maybe this staffer assumed that Sid Miller thinks Hillary is a cunt. Either way, it’s out in the open. And why apologize? Do you need a government job that bad? Tighten up that cowboy hat and grab your Texas sized nuts; be a man!
In all these John Podesta emails, I have been waiting for something funny to come out. There are 50,000 emails, there has to be something funny in there somewhere, right? And finally we hit pay dirt. Podesta said that Hillary was acting like a retard. Thank you John for pointing out the obvious but tell us something we didn’t already know! And he said that Hillary stinks and that she rarely bathes. Ok, we are getting there! He also said that she smells like a combination of boiled cabbage, urine and farts. Yummy! BINGO! No wonder that creepy-ass Tim Kaine was so attracted to her from the get-go. It probably gave him a case of campaign wood. That’s probably why he speaks Spanish at some of those rallies. He’s probably trying to get a Latino voter to change out her soiled adult diaper. $10, tax free, no questions asked! Since he is the token Spanish speaker in the campaign, nobody else has a clue as to what he is saying.
I would have expected Hillary to smell like a combination of Ben Gay and an old Werther’s Original that’s been laying out on a sidewalk on Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras. Trump probably smells like one of those Duke Cannon Big Ass Bricks of Soap; you know, Smells like Victory, Smells like Accomplishment, Smells like Naval Supremacy, Smells like Productivity! I wonder what Gary Johnson smells like? Wait, who the Hell is Gary Johnson?
Oh Danney Boy
Oh Danney Boy isn’t letting this whole Bill Clinton thing go. I have to admit, if Bill Clinton was my dad, I would start a gofundme page just to keep it quiet. But he wants to know and he is asking Monica Lewinsky for the blue dress. I’m not an expert on DNA, but I have watched shit tons of Law and Orders, can they still get a sample off of it? I am sure it is still crispy down there, but that was 20 years ago! I don’t think Bill will voluntarily give up anything, so what about Chelsea? I would say pluck a sample out of her hairbrush, but she doesn’t look like she has brushed her hair since I was in college! And I’m not convinced that he is her dad anyway! I think Monica should give it to him!
I don’t think Danney claims to be a Brainiac, but in his letter he says that his dad was the 37th President of the United States! Well, who the Hell is is dad, Bill Clinton or Richard Nixon? I hope he FedExed a revision! Monica is going to think that this is some letter from the Nigerian Lottery! I think the whole lot of these people should go on Jerry Springer and hash this shit out!
University of Texas
The Office of Student Sorority and Fraternity Life (SFL) at the University of Texas has issued a two-page checklist to guide students into making better Halloween costume and party theme choices. Remember that this is the same school that let students wear dildos on their backpack to protest the State’s Campus Carry Law a few months ago. Remember that, Cocks not Glocks?
What Greek system can make it without a Pimps and Hoes Party?
I am going to show up to a Halloween party at UT next year. They are not going to know what hit them! I am going as Clayton Bigsby! I am going to be a white man dressed up as a black man that thinks he is a white supremicist! That should keep everybody in the office of Student Sorority and Fraternity Life busy for a while.
I hate Lena Dunham, there I said it! She is on that list of celebrities that are moving if Trump gets elected. You know, like all the ones that were going to move if Bush got elected, but never did. But this time, I am going to help these fuckers pack!
Why is Lena Dunham considered a celebrity. The only time I see her ugly face is on Breitbart News. I have never seen her on TV! So Lena dressed up for Halloween as a cat and had fake hands touching her. Get it? Grabbing pussy! This bitch is so fat and ugly that fake hands don’t even want to touch her. Seriously, this is the person that had to fake her own rape. She is so ugly, rapists don’t want anything to do with her. People should dress up as Lena Dunham for Halloween.
Nothing is more fun that lighting a fart. If you have never done it, give it a try! I recommend that you don’t wear nylon wind shorts though. Trust me on this one, just take my word for it! I had an accident back in the ‘90s. I had sixth degree burns all over my taint!
So this 30-year-old Japanese lady is having laser surgery, somewhere in the vicinity of her cervix, and she farted. Not just any fart, but one that the laser ignited and exploded the operating room! Haha! I can’t make this stuff up! What tha fuck did this chick eat? I guess that’s why they tell you not to eat or drink before surgical procedures. She must have had this one brewing up in there for weeks! What about the poor doctors and nurses? The chick is under and they have to deal with the fallout. That much gas, I am surprised she didn’t launch a torpedo across the operating room.
Well, congratulations Tokyo, you are now the third Japanese city to have a nuclear explosion. To celebrate, I think I will light one up.
Did you hear that, Rip it and Dip it! I didn’t hear anything on that commercial about cutting it with a knife and a spork! Well Paul Newton Jr., an attorney nonetheless, is suing Popeye’s because he didn’t get a knife with his drive-thru order and he choked when he ate the chicken with his hands. He choked his own chicken! Haha, I love it! Newton underwent emergency surgery to remove the piece of chicken from his throat and he is seeking financial compensation and punitive damages.
Have you ever noticed that it is always the scumbag attorneys that sue restaurants for shit like this? I could see this idiot shoving a Happy Meal up his ass and suing Ronald McDonald when he couldn’t get the toy out. Or getting his dick stuck in that creepy Burger King guy! They should throw this idiot in prison with Jared from Subway. I want to see him toss his salad with a spork!
Paul Newton Jr., people, I am going after this idiot!
Well, more than 100,000 people worldwide are now said to be identifying as ecosexual. You know, people who fuck trees, masturbate under waterfalls, and roll around in dirt and have orgasms. I got to tell ya, nothing turn me on more than fingering a pot plant! Getting deep down in that potting soil; sometimes I use 2 fingers! Oh, and I fisted a cactus one time, but it wasn’t that much fun! I got to tell you, Nothing in MILF says Mother Earth I’d Like to Fuck!
What is wrong with people. Straight sex between a man and a woman is going to become rare, and not too distant into our future? You got people are out there fucking robots and trees! Maybe prostitution should be legal in all fifty states. It might be the only thing that saves the human race. You think some tranny buttfucking a volcano is going to keep us going?
What the fuck? You have to see this video. So you put this step stool in front of your toilet and you and you sit at some weird angle while you drop a deuce. Yeah, because I love my knees in my face when I am on the commode! It’s probably like shitting on an airliner. It does have rave reviews though. I am thinking about getting one. To hell with that, I am going to make my own. I am going to make a foldable replica that you can carry around with you. Why should shitting with your torso at an acute angle only be for home use?