Episode 12

The El Dookie Show 10/28/2016

amazon-assoicate-logo

Politicians

Well I called every republican politician’s office in my area to ask a simple question.  I made a whole day of it.  The question was: ‘Do they support Donald Trump?’  And most did.  The ones that wouldn’t were shocked when I said I wouldn’t vote for them.

Why not you may be asking, because they are at the bottom of the ballot with an (R) by their name and they don’t support the guys at the top of the ballot with the (R) by their name.  Hey, this shit works 2 ways!  And these asshole should have to give back any money they got from the Republican party.

Anyway, this fiasco should all be over with soon.  If Hillary wins, I think I will support any efforts for Texas to secede from the union.  Or I will move to Mexico, I will have the whole country to myself down there, because everybody will be over here!


National Anthem

ap_16296024274981_720-0

Well, It all started out with Colin Kaepernick.  Then some other professional athletes joined in.  High school athletes joined in.  Junior high athletes joined in, etc. etc.   It went right on down the line.

But now you got the people singing the National anthem taking a knee I thought I had heard it all!  This slit did just enough to get paid for the gig.  And she was sporting a black lives matter t-shirt.  Denasia Lawrence folks, that’s her name.  You gotta see this ugly bitch.  She looks like she has spent plenty of time on her knees.  Yeah, she is no stranger to being down there.

Now here is where this whole national anthem thing gets weird.  Now the referees are taking a knee.  Aren’t they suppose to be impartial?  If you are White, Asian, or Hispanic and in a game with this guy, you are fucked!  No seriously!  I bet when the team with the most black players headed to the locker-room at half-time, this asshole probably called a touchdown when they ran across the end zoneIf I was was one of the other referees out there, this dude would have been shitting yellow flags for a month!

cvcz4hewcaafzad

I’ll tell you what I would do if I was that school, I would take a knee when it came time to sign this asshole’s check.


Sheila Jackson Lee

160323-sheila-jackson-lee-ap

Sheila Jackson Lee, you will know her when you see her.   Any time members of Congress gather, just look for the fool wearing the neon outfit.  Her entire wardrobe looks like the Fruit of the Loom characters!

This lady is beyond stupid.  There is not enough time to go into all the idiotic things she has said throughout her career,  Just go to WikiLeaks and search Sheila Jackson Lee!   Yeah, I said WikiLeaks.  Did you think I meant Wikipedia?

Wikipedia works off of donations and it is free to use.  I would like to see them sue the shit out of Sheila Jackson Lee for slander or libel.  Which is it, I get them confused?  Anyway, financially drain this moron!  They would get enough money so we wouldn’t see those annoying pop-ups to donate a dollar to their site.  You know what I’m talking about!

Let me tell you about Sheila Jackson Lee and the 18th. District of Texas that she represents: It’s a shithole!  Somehow they have carved out the worst sections of Houston for her to set up shop in.  I know, because I manage property there.  What has she done for these people?  Nothing!  Drive down the streets of the 18th. District.  Every house and business down there has bars over the windows and doors.  You think it’s to keep people out.  Hell no!  It’s to keep people in!  Everybody else in Houston probably put those things on!  But they still vote for her!


Jessica Drake

jessica-drake-wicked-sex-640x480

What do you do when you are at a golf tournament with pornstars.  You try to get a hole in one!  Or if you are Donald Trump, you take a mulligan ten years later.  Well another woman has come forward making accusations.  Man, this Trump can’t win for losing these days.

Pajamas!  The man had on pajamas!  I actually took Trump for an Underoos kind of guy, but ok.  He still wears pajamas!

And he kissed some pornstars!  Whoopy-do  They get fucked silly on camera every day, but they find kissing offensive?  What’s this world coming to?  I looked up Jessica Drake on a porn site, listen to the title of this video.  Can I get a drumroll please? Jessica Drake anal fucked in three-way.  Here is another one: Jessica Drake strips out of her Latex outfit before analAll that asswork and she is pissed at Donald Trump!  Its unbelievable

Why was Jessica Drake there in the first place?  I bet I know why?  She wanted to be some golfer’s 19th, 20th,  and 21st hole!  Yeah, she was ready to take one up her back nine!

She didn’t have to show up in his suite either, but she did, with two other women.  Trump could have found himself in the middle of a pornstar 4-way, but he obviously cockblocked himself with his pajamas!  He wrote the Art of the Deal, but he couldn’t close that deal?  And he wants to negotiate with China on our behalf?  I don’t know man, I am losing faith in this guy!

See Jessica Drake strip out of her latex outfit before anal  (NSFW)


Pandering to Midgets

midget

I have never seen someone adapt to their surroundings as much as Hillary Clinton.  Well, maybe that thing off of Predator, but he isn’t running for an office.  But Hillary:

  • When she is in the south she uses a southern accent.
  • When she is around Mexicans, she farts uncontrollably from all the refried beans.
  • When she is around blacks, she uses Jeri-Curl.
  • When she is around Asians, she wears kimonos and she can’t pronounce the letter L”!
  • I keep expecting her to wear a hardhat with a headlamp when she visits coalminer country, but it hasn’t happened yet.

But now, she has taken it to far!  Midgets!  She was on a talkshow on Univision with a midget the other day!  Hey, That’s my move!

Here is what I don’t like about Hillary pandering to the midgets:

1.They are novelty items, I don’t even consider midgets part of the human race.  As far as I am concerned, they are on Earth for the amusement of sick fuckers like me!

2.If they do vote, they should only get half a vote!  Seriously!

3.Is the government going to mandate that we have step stools at every voting booth now.  Great, now everybody else will be tripping all over these things!

It’s a sick world we live in!


University of Florida

native-american-halloween-costume-flickr-640x480

Last week I said that colleges have become a training ground for pussies.  That my friends, is a true statement.  And The University of Florida is no different!

The college is providing counseling for students that are in trauma over Halloween costumes.  I’m serious!  College kids should be causing everyone else to seek counseling.  That was my goal in college, anyway.

I have put together a list of things I should have had counseling for back in my day.  This was big stuff back then:

  • 7-11 being out of Skoal Wintergreen Finecut
  • Drinking beer that was warmer than 29 degrees Fahrenheit
  • Puking all over a sorority formal
  • Having to go to the campus clinic to get rid of a pesky itch on my dick
  • Accidentally shitting in numerous swimming pools
  • Being banned from strip clubs
  • And finally, my grades getting to my parent’s mailbox before I had a chance to Photoshop them.

And these idiots are are freaking out over students dressing up as fucking clowns!

Ugghhh I need therapy after reading shit like this.


Teen Concussion

So some kid got bicycle kicked in the head during a soccer game and he went under for a few days.  He comes out of his coma and all he can speak is Spanish.  But he never spoke Spanish before!

I never claimed to be a doctor, but I did drink beer one time with some dude that was an extra on General Hospital.  I suppose that makes me qualified to give a medical opinion.  In a round-about sort of a way.

Here is what’s wrong with this kid; he spent his whole life listening to customer service menus in Spanish.  You know what I’m talking about!  Yeah, we are all being programmed with this shit, its subliminal!  Just like if I got kicked in the head, I would probably speak German fluently.  You know, from watching all that German porn!

Anyway, I want to see an illegal alien come out of a coma and speak English.  Like when you tell your painter that he is using the wrong color but he keeps on painting anyway.  Knock his ass off the ladder!  When he comes to, tell him again.  It might take a couple of times, but he’ll get the picture sooner or later!


Krispy Kreme

Well Orlando must have the shittiest cops in America.  When you think of donuts, you think of cops, they go hand in hand!

I would like the cops to go through my car and find some of my substances, considering I only clean it out once every few years.

  • Seriously, You ever see what happens to a skittle that’s been on the dash of a hot car for 3 years?
  • Umm, No sir, that’s not Marijuana, it some lettuce from a hamburger I ate in here a couple of months ago.
  • And then I have cocaine in the seat. Well actually, I baby powdered my ass after my shower this morning and I farted a few minutes ago
  • No sir, that’s not black tar heroin under the back seat, it’s that banana I’ve been looking for since I bought this ride!
  • And then there is the roach clip in my glove box. Well that’s actually a nipple clamp officer, some chick left it in here last week!

I think this lawsuit is a little ridiculous, but hey, the dude spent several hours in jail and got strip searched. I am curious as to what other goodies he was hiding in his fat rolls!


Female Saudi Drivers

A young Saudi woman was arrested after police were notified that she was driving a car in Mecca. The woman and the two male passengers will be indicted for illegal driving and gender mixing.  Gender mixing, what the hell does that mean?  I get the whole woman driving thing, but gender mixing?  No wonder these people fuck goats and donate to the Clintons!

Personally, I don’t think Muslim men want women to drive, because it would cause too much competition in the taxi cab industry.  They got a good thing going!

Banning women from driving, it’s not that crazy actually.  Look what female Asian drivers have done to the roads.  Hey, everybody has a crazy Asian lady story!

I’m curious as to these people’s punishment.  Chopping their heads off may be a little extreme.  Stoning them may not be enough.  They need something right in the middle.  I say make them watch that new Ghostbusters movie!


20-Year-Old Virgin

katherine-stone-selling-virginity-screenshot-640x480

Well, what do you do when your parent’s house burns down?  Most people start a go fund me account!  Or you could move to Las Vegas and work in a whorehouse.  And if your hymen is still intact, you can auction off your virginity.  And that is exactly what Katherine Stone is doing at the bunny ranch, as we speak.  And she has bids as high as $400,000!  By the looks of this chick, she should be turning tricks for no less than $40 bucks. But anyway, I am all about a good pay to play scandal.

And how exactly does one work in a whorehouse for a year and remain a virgin?  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I used to play the the piano in a whorehouse in Mexico.  I never banged any customers!  But what I did with my tip money is my business!

And what about the moron that would pay $400,000 to bang this chick?  Is he that desperate?  If that’s the case, I have a cousin with a virgin asshole; I could probably let him go for around $4 grand!  Awe fuck it, $400 gets his; going once going twice!

I would auction my own ass off, but after what that old Asian lady at that massage parlor did to me, I am not 100% sure that I am still considered a virgin down there!

Anyway, I am going to send in my bid for this chick.  Yeah, straight off The Price is Right; I am going to one dollar Bob this bitch.


Tree House Granny

treehouse

Ok, so some old hippie in Miami has been living in a treehouse for 25 years.  No, I didn’t stutter!

Shawnee Chasser, a 65-year-old grandmother, Vietnam War protester, all around nutcase, and wannabe Keebler elf says she hates the oppressive feeling of walls and air conditioning, and loves the open breeze.

Well Miami-Dade county inspectors aren’t as liberal with housing laws as she is and the county’s Unsafe Structures Panel ordered it demolished within a few months unless it is brought up to code.  Up to code, as in they found the treehouse’s construction to be substandard and it has hazardous electricity and plumbing.

A part of me agrees that she should be able to live in a tree, but she should go do it out in the everglades somewhere, not in downtown Miami.  Zoning laws are what separates us from 3rd world countries.  I hope they do chop it down though, and preferably with her still in it!  I wouldn’t even yell timber, I would just do it!

So I want to know how she tells some prospective hookup, at a bar, that she lives in a tree.  Think about that for a second; how exactly do you segue into that?

Here is a pickup line for her: “Hey wanna go back to my place and fuck the squirrels out of my tree?”


Fox News

Well, I am done with Fox News.  OFFICIALLY!  Which leaves me with no other channel to watch for news.  After the election, I couldn’t give a shit!  But I still have over a week to go!  But this has been brewing for a while.

First of all, I hate the commercials.  It’s the same ones over and over!  The creepy pillow dude, the veterans mortgage scams, and now the fat black dude in the yellow shirt dancing to push it!

Next, everyone on there is selling a book!  No seriously, it must be in their contract to write a book and advertise it every day.  Hell, most of the guest are peddling books!  I like Bill Oreilly, but he is the worst!  This dude must write a new book every week:  You got Killing Lincoln, Killing Patton, Killing Reagan, Killing Jesus, killing this, killing that; He’s fucking killing me with all these books!

And finally, I hate too many of the people on the network.  And there are some guest on there that I wouldn’t piss on if they were on fire!

Now, the one person that sent me over the edge is Megyn Kelly, bitch extraordinaire!  Hey, I am a Trump fan, I wont deny it, and I’m pretty sure she hates Trump.  But that’s not why I hate her.  It’s because she was a rude bitch to Newt Gingrich!

Well guess what, I took my anger issues elsewhere.  Like to the home shopping network when her show came on the next night.

I think she is fascinated by sex.  I think her hairdo must have run off her husband and she isn’t getting any dick back home.  She seriously needs some dick! I think she needs to go hangout at a truckstop with no panties on.  Or hang out at a port and fuck all the sailors when they get back from being out at sea.

Well her contract is about to be up and she is asking for more than 20 million a year.  She is getting 15 now and her ratings have taken a dump since that first debate.  I think she should become a webcam model!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s